Mental Health

A Conflicted Home – an off-the-cuff joint.

I haven’t been writing much since my daughter and two grandsons moved in, mostly because it has been difficult, and when things are difficult, I tend to withdraw, shut down, and organize.

Serenity through tidying, or something like that.

I thought I might struggle with their presence on a practical level – it’s been a while since I had a full house – but it’s been on the emotional front where things have been hardest.

Deciding to share space while leaving our own difficulties and issues unresolved was not the best idea, at least for the long term.

My daughter is has left an abusive and violent relationship that caused great harm to her and my grandsons. They needed a place to go, and so I made space, but we did it without dealing with all the unspoken anger and hurt.

We’d been no-contact for nearly three years at her behest, following some rather vicious attacks on my character and all the harm I caused to her. We had not dealt with any of this prior to her reaching out and asking to resume contact and for help.

I suppose I could’ve said, “no.” I discussed that option with my counsellor, but ultimately decided to open space for the children’s sake.

I did set some “Terms and Conditions” on her return, but they were pretty promptly ignored, and I’m not the best at enforcing my boundaries, especially when I’ve fallen into old and appeasing patterns of behaviour. I tend to placation as my main method of exchange with her, because to disagree or to invite conflict in any way can lead to ugliness, indeed.

Domestic abuse is incredibly destructive, and it’s hard to recover from. Harder without help. Unfortunately for my daughter, she has not been able to begin the process of pulling herself back together. This is partially because she’s taken no real steps and won’t accept help in that regard either.

She is so deep in trauma that getting up and prepping for the day takes her ’til nearly dinner. Surviving is pretty much all she has the bandwidth for. I blame her father in part for this boondoggle: we had plans to get her into supportive care, but he jumped the gun with a police report because he found her laggard and suddenly, there was no time.

Hard to hide your plans from your abuse if the police inform him.

The problems with functioning aren’t only impacting her: my eight-year-old grandson has made it to school on time fewer than five days in nearly five months, and those were on days I drove him to school, but that’s difficult too, as I’m not “allowed” to interfere in the getting-ready process.

She’s currently in a space where she interprets offers of help as criticism. That makes aid a challenge.

I’m struggling emotionally because of the conflict between my daughter and grandson. They fight every morning and every night, just like my mother did with my middle brother. The conflicts are getting ugly, and she doesn’t seem to hear me when I tell her this kind of thing has long legs.

She has learned problematic behaviours in her abusive relationships, as well. She can get quite harsh, and she makes him cry quite often. She also love bombs him on the other side of the exchanges.

I stood up against her in an exchange the other day, but the only result was a nasty fight in which I was hit with a wide barrage of accusations on a vast array of topics, for all that I tried to keep her focused on the topic at hand.

It’s hard to remember what you’re talking about when the other person is throwing everything and the kitchen sink your way.

I did take a cheap shot at the end, but it was a softball compared to the spinning saw blades being sent my way. I wonder if I should tell her to be grateful regarding the chokehold I’m keeping on my temper. Someone really needs to give me a prize for not burning down my world.

In many ways, the fight was a relief. It’s hard, living with someone and waiting for the shoe to drop.

My stepdaughter, in addition to having to deal with trauma and a history of trauma that has so far been unaddressed, lives with Borderline Personality Disorder. I hate calling it a disorder when it’s simply a different operating system, though it does make life very challenging for the people who live with it. It’s also a challenge for those in their orbit.

The unfortunate thing is that people with the neurodivergence that is BPD often don’t seek help until well into their forties, and by then, much damage has been done in all kinds of their life circles.

She had been going to pack up and leave post haste following our exchange, but she’s allowed herself to be talked into a different plan, or so I’ve been told. I’m currently being frozen out of the loop. Ostracism and ghosting are a favoured technique of hers. It’s not bothering me so much this time – I’m tired of feeling like a prisoner in my own home, so her avoidance of me is a bit of a relief.

I haven’t felt constrained by other people in a long time, and I don’t like it.

The new plan is for her to move to a transition house. The thirty-day program to start with, and hopefully a referral to a two-year recovery and life skills program to follow.

It would be nice if the recovery from serious blows was quick and easy, but it takes about half as long again as the time you were in the thick of it to get fully back on track, and to feel fully free.

I want very good things for her. I want very good things for my grandsons. I want good things for myself, and none of that will happen if nothing changes. The initial plan of weekly counselling has long been abandoned, and I’m not allowed to bring it up, lest she feel “icky and nagged.”

She has no problem telling me to be quiet when she is feeling overwhelmed, however. I find I object to being told to shut up, regardless of the paraphrase, in my own house. I appreciate being overwhelmed by input, but it’s not okay to make your issues other people’s problems. If you need the quiet, the solution is headphones for you, not silence for the world.

I’ve not been writing. I’ve not been exercising. I’ve not been practicing good self-care: my roots are showing, I’m sleeping in my clothes more often than not, and it’s a happy day when I wash my face.

There was a plan in place that would’ve helped with recovery and peaceful co-existence, but I abandoned it because I was frightened of what conflict with my daughter would look and feel like. I need to remember how I’m feeling. I need to remember what happens when I don’t stick.

If you’re a little scared of someone, it’s probably not a good idea to live with them.

On the bright side, I tend to organize and tidy when I’m stressed, so my current clean and declutter game is on fire.

Borderline Personality Disorder

What You Don’t Know Is Important- Intimate Partner Violence in the Family

19 thoughts on “A Conflicted Home – an off-the-cuff joint.”

  1. Wow! That’s so difficult. I hate you are going through this. I hope she goes into that program. It will allow you to look after you without a lack of focus. I hope she thrives and your grandsons, too. You’ve been a haven.

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      1. The tools we’ve all been taught directly and implicitly involve violence: shame, blame, demands, threats, judgments. If we desire different outcomes, we need different tools.

        Every revolution simply recreates the same conditions. Violence begets violence.

        Love can yield different outcomes. Love has been beaten out of most of us. The orientation of a mother to a newborn—the unilateral giving with no expectation of anything in return—is the energy we imagine lives in us All and can transform us into what we were, what nature intended us to be.

        We hope that for us all ♥️

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        1. I notice an increased tendency in myself to look for a place to lay blame when I’m struggling, and I especially notice that I like to place blame outside myself. I’ve been spending this past week observing that and sitting with the feelings that are driving me to assign blame as a way to “fix” the situation. Often, it’s fear.

          I’m reminding myself to let go of expectation and outcome in my relationships, though this is an especially hard, familial pattern to break.

          I too believe we can be as we were intended to be ❤️💜

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        2. We appreciate letting go of expectation and outcomes. We wonder what you might choose to move toward in their absence: openness? flexibility? collaboration? creativity?

          Blaming even ourselves can feel overwhelming. We see three lenses: personal (what have i chosen? what can i choose?), relational (what is our dynamic like? what can we do together?), systemic (what has been done to us? how can we intervene in systems?). We have the least influence by ourselves in Systemic, so a lot of Mourning energy might go there. And still we have options.

          We recreate patriarchal systems in our lives because what else do we know? Our nuclear families become microcosmic hierarchies of power, domination, competition, artificial scarcity, separation.

          What to do? Again, we know the love of a mother for her newborn. We see that as our North Star since it lives in almost everyone. Giving without expectation of payment or debt; nurturing for love’s sake; maybe seeing disorders as resistance to the poison of violence or as a result of poisoning by violence.

          We are all traumatized. If we use all our energy to “heal,” where have we gotten? We’re still in patriarchy! We are social beings who can practice trying to love one another in care for the whole. Noticing our conditioning and acting radically toward love anyway. We feel very lonely doing this alone in our household, and we keep trying for love’s sake

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        3. I’ve noticed that i’ve allowed myself to become quite judgmental. My first instinct is to explain all the reasons why it’s not my fault that I’m reverting, but perhaps the problem there is language. It’s not a matter so much of fault as it is of training and practice.
          I come from a long line of very judgmental women. Examining this tendency through those three lenses is interesting – and a bit uncomfortable, as it should be, I suppose. Thanks for sharing them.

          I used to refer to the kind of sexism that my father exhibited as “benign sexism,” but the expectations that fall on me now that my mother has died don’t feel that benign. It has caused me to re-examine how much of the unspoken patriarchal demands I’ve absorbed without realizing. There is much control in these kinds of relationships, and I realize how much I expect that to exist in all relationships. More food for thought. My brain will be well-fed.

          I’m better with physical pain. I’m used to letting it ebb and flow. I’ve practice at not resisting it. I’m less successful with emotional pain, it seems. I want to find someone to blame, when “we are all traumatized.”

          One of my least favourite of my mother’s expressions was, “self-inflicted wounds get no sympathy.” It always seems to me that those are the times we need help most. And what is lashing out at those around you but a self-inflicted wound?

          “Notice our conditioning and acting radically toward love anyway.” I will try harder.

          I’m sorry about the loneliness.

          Liked by 1 person

        4. We hear how much patriarchy you absorbed! And how you take that training into other relationships.

          We wish we had endless empathy to give. And being awoken at 3:26am to give empathy can sap capacity, if there even is any…We met with our empathy group today after a 2-month hiatus. As with anything, we notice our skills improving from the practice. Maybe the group can meet at 3:26am haha

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  4. Oh, Michelle, I have experience with BPD. I grew up with it. I’m sending you so much love as you’re living with this right now. I wish we could sit and talk about it over coffee. There is so much here I relate to. I’m really glad you found time to write for yourself, and I hope you’re able to find a little more space just for you in the coming week. Sending you so much love.

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  6. Shit. I was worried about this happening. I hope venting about it here helps a tiny bit, even though it doesn’t solve any of the issues or conflict. Having grown up in a house with relentless yelling, name-calling, and tearing down, I could NEVER be in a similar environment again, let alone invite it into my own home.

    I hope your daughter gets/accepts the help she needs. I hope your grandsons get the love and support they need. And, I hope you get the peace you deserve.

    Sending you all love. 💕

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    1. Thank you. Venting here helps, definitely. People are very supportive, and that’s helpful.

      I was not prepared for the problematic side of her parenting. I was not prepared for a lot of things. That’s on me, for sure.

      i’m hopeful – she’s been to a couple of counselling sessions now since the argument, and she’s signed my grandson up to visit with the school counsellor.

      I’ve been a bit of a turtle since the conflict, truth be told. I’m going to work on my acceptance of how things are (not how I wish they were) and on remembering all the challenges she’s faced in her life that have resulted in her being here. Not doormat, but grace.

      Thank you.

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