Feelings come first.

I have trouble with my thoughts. I don’t like a lot of them. They’re harsh, critical, and disturbing. They make me feel bad; they make me afraid. Except they don’t. I’ve realized that I have it backwards. It’s the feelings that come first. Feelings rise up and inspire the thoughts which then the amplify the problematic feelings, creating more problematic thoughts, and so on. It’s a vicious cycle...

In search of a steady state.

I loved the idea of homeostasis when it was first introduced in grade eight biology. It is as follows: the tendency toward a relatively stable equilibrium between interdependent elements, especially as maintained by physiological processes. That definition, however, hurts the brain. I’m reasonably certain that it was expressed differently to me when I was thirteen. To the best of my recollection, the definition was simple. The process of homeostasis is the process of maintaining a steady state. I want that...

I can take care of myself.

I’m afraid, almost all the time. Although I have phobias regarding certain things, spiders for example, this is not that kind of fear. This is a fear or nothing and everything and it’s with me all the time; it’s in my bones, written into my operating system. It impedes my ability to do almost everything. It makes me want to stay in my house, in my room, where I know it’s safe. Where I won’t have to deal with people. It makes me not want to deviate from my routine to try and control it and keep it at bay. Because the fear is awful, and I want more than anything to feel safe, and in order to do so, I keep my world small...

What doesn’t kill you, blah blah blah.

People like to say “what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger”. I must be Atlas by now. I am back from my week-long, running away from home vacation to Mexico. I made it four days. I’m struggling to not consider it a failure. I’m struggling to believe that I made the best decision for myself when I called my parents in tears and asked them to book me a flight home; I was too distressed to do it myself; the interface on my iPhone was too difficult for my challenged state of mind...

choosing the big or small picture

Focusing on the world’s big picture is not making me happy. I would go so far as to say it’s making me miserable and yet I can’t seem to stop. I’m addicted to the information highway. I get the newspaper (or three) and I read chunks of it every day. I follow political and current event websites. I stalk the daily posts on twitter. It’s leading me to the conclusion that we’re all doomed and the world should probably be cleansed by fire...