"we all want to be seen. we all want to be validated. why is it so hard? sometimes the problem is us. in my life, often it’s me. i want to be known and heard, but it’s hard to share the truth of my reality. i dole out bits and pieces of myself, sharing a portion of this and a smidgen of that, but i’m never fully exposed. i keep many of the dark bits hidden inside. i remain convinced that the reality of me is unhandleable and unsupportable."
"one of the most profound lessons i learned from my last stint at rehab came from a weekly group exercise we did. we were given a typewritten list of personal qualities with space beside each for checkmarks. some of the traits were good, some not so good. trustworthy or hostile. open or closed off. accepting or judgmental. you get the idea."
"i see you. i see your face and the muscles of your jaw, and the way your teeth sit loosely in your gums, too big for your face."
"I remember the moment my eating disorder took over vividly. I was insecure and self-conscious about myself even as a very young girl. I desperately wanted to fit in, to be popular, to be beautiful, and to be confident. To be “normal”. I desperately needed approval from my peers and from adults; i needed someone to tell me that i was okay because inside, for as long as i can remember, i have felt anything but. I have always felt less than, inadequate, inferior, and not enough."
" i feel calm this morning, at least i did when i woke up, which is a nice change. the raging noise and pressure that is neither noise nor pressure that fills my brain most of the time had eased. my anxiety was asleep. it would be tempting to decide that the things i did yesterday led to this desired state but to choose to pursue those behaviours and actions wholeheartedly would be a bad call."
"today is World Suicide Prevention Day. I decided to re-post a blog i did that discusses my own attempts and some of the consequences that resulted. we can never know anyone else, not really, not what they're thinking or feeling or planning. the best we can do is be there for others. be open, be accessible, be non-judgmental, be kind."
"anxiety shrinks my world. it pulls in tight and collapses on itself until there is no space or freedom for me anywhere. everything becomes small, and ritual becomes everything."