recovery and growth, things that interest me, occasional deep-thoughts, and semi-regular poetry
I have some resentments. Some are old ones I take out and air periodically and some are new, a result of day to day living. I don’t like having them. Resenting things makes me feel small and petty and with the old ones, vindictive; when I revisit them, I often wish ill upon the targets of my ire. I don’t like having bad feelings. Their emergence, however, is an inevitable consequence of life. How we deal with them is where the work needs to happen...
I went to the mall today. It was a “need to” trip; most definitely not a “want to.” I almost never want to go to the mall. This is because, for me, malls are a kind of hell. They’re full of people, for one, and I find people, as a group, stressful. Their existence is problematic enough; add the whole “I think they’re staring at me, and judging me, and finding me insufficient” thing and who needs that...
...Why some people believe the things they do has always been a mystery to me, but the article got me thinking: why do I believe the things I believe? The answer turns out to be, because it suits me to. My beliefs comfort me, whether or not they are accurate. Unfortunately, my beliefs don’t always serve me well. We all like to think we think the best thoughts. We all think our points of view are the best and most correct. Unfortunately, we can’t all be right. It’s a frustration, but it’s true...
The thing I hate about my depression is the way time slows down to a crawl. My sleep is an interrupted mess, but I still dread the last awakening, knowing it means I’ll have to get up. That I’ll have to face all those hours that exist between now and when I crawl into bed again. The days get very long. They’d likely feel shorter if I was doing; unfortunately, doing becomes extremely challenging when depression is acting up. The only actions I lean into with alacrity are harmful. Your brain tries to get you to abandon the good things by the wayside...
I read recently that it’s important to accurately assess ourselves. To look at ourselves and get to know our strengths and weaknesses. That was good for a laugh. Which was nice, because laughter has been in short supply of late...
