i had too much cereal this morning. my brain took me to task regarding the quantity almost before i’d finished pouring it.

i didn’t measure it. i used to. i used to measure everything. i didn’t use one of the small dessert bowls either, and i’m pretty sure i had more than a cup in there. my brain helpfully reminded me that the side of the box lists the serving size as half a cup for 170 calories and who do i think i am, eating more than that? did i not notice the flesh on my hips this morning?

i ate my breakfast along with my one, small piece of morning chocolate, and having that was a mistake too. apparently, i’m out of control. all this eating. what was i thinking? my eating disorder wants more bones and less flesh. flesh is disgusting. flesh is grotesque. it’s a sign of weakness. it’s physical proof of the myriad of ways i’m a failure.

i wish i could switch to an all-smoothie diet. i wish i didn’t have to think about food. i wish i didn’t have to decide what to eat. i wish i could accept that hungry was okay, and not take it as a sign that i should wait for food, just a little bit longer.

i wish i wasn’t obsessed by the size of my thighs.

the eating disorder voice has been a little quiet of late. i’m trying to let it go. i’m trying to move away from focusing on food but it’s hard when you have to eat to live. i’d give it up entirely if that was a possibility.

sometimes it seems like it’d be a relief to let the work and self-talk and the planning go. subsist on air and thoughts instead. my eating disorder thinks that’s a fabulous idea. it reminds me that baggy clothes are the goal, the smaller the size, the better. after all, how can i imagine i have worth if the waistband doesn’t sag and you can see the shape of my legs in the lines of my pants. bones are best.

it’s easy to give up. it’s easy to give in. hard is eating breakfast anyhow. hard is not throwing it up. hard is not exercising after every meal, just to make sure that not an ounce is gained. hard is doing it multiple times a day, every day.

(december 29, 2017)