An Eating Disorder Journal entry.

I binged and purged last night. It was the fat thoughts. I’ve gained about ten pounds and the weight that is supposed to help me is killing me, or at least that’s what it feels like. Thinner, thinner, thinner is all I think about now. Diet hard, exercise. Forget quitting smoking, forget friends and family. Forget writing, forget recovery, forget life. Forget everything but getting thin, back to bones...

Between five and seven pounds

I wasn’t going to write about my eating disorder today. I have a draft post about my PTSD waiting for revisions. I’ve resisted looking deeply into it to date but had big plans to do so in the somewhat near future. Those plans flew out the window this morning when I put on the jeans that are supposed to be baggy only to find they were less baggy than expected. Just like that, my mental equilibrium got shot to shit...

Obsessed with my scale

"I’ve been obsessed with my scale of late though truthfully, I’m not exactly sure where it is. It was hidden under a pile of towels in the back of a bathroom cupboard for the longest time, ‘til my son needed it to weigh his suitcase for a trip he took in December. Where it ended up after that is a mystery and needing to know its location is an intrusive thought that I’ve been unable to discard..."