not today

"i like to read books about religion and philosophy. they’re often helpful as i battle with mental health issues. i read an entry every morning, a kind of daily devotion practice, and i usually find something applicable to my current situation. of course, my inside voice tries to point out that i’d be much further along in recovery if i’d started doing this years ago, but i’m getting better at telling that voice to go away and leave me alone. it’s enough that i’m doing it now."

currently hating food

"i am having a problem with food and eating of late, in that i hate them both. this is a significant challenge when you consider that eating is one of the basic requirements for living."

just three pieces of toast

"somedays, i want to eat everything. it’s the only thing that will help, at least that’s what my eating disorder likes to tell me."

and i felt good when it was done

"a quote from a geneen roth book popped into my head yesterday. it goes something like this: “i had given my body what it was asking for and it felt good. it thanked me.” the quote is about eating, which for far too many of us is not a simple thing to do."

attempting suicide fundamentally changes you

"i’ve tried to kill myself three times, most recently in november of 2014. it is a bizarre thing to able to write that about yourself. it’s a strange thing to know about yourself, to know that you are capable of taking such drastic action. there was a point in my life, long past now..."

choosing to stay the course for today

"it’s nine-thirty in the morning and i’ve been up for nearly five hours; i’m not doing sleep very well of late. too much in my head, too many thoughts, and most of them unpleasant. if i’d have been given the choice, i would definitely have rejected anxiety. it is fatiguing to deal with its constancy."

perfectionism, editing, and good enough

"editing is one of those steps that i used to skip when i wrote things. i never reread what i wrote; what would have been the point? wasn’t it perfect? didn’t my words land on the page in the best possible configuration? how could i possibly improve on the perfection inspiration brings?"