attempting suicide fundamentally changes you

"i’ve tried to kill myself three times, most recently in november of 2014. it is a bizarre thing to able to write that about yourself. it’s a strange thing to know about yourself, to know that you are capable of taking such drastic action. there was a point in my life, long past now..."

choosing to stay the course for today

"it’s nine-thirty in the morning and i’ve been up for nearly five hours; i’m not doing sleep very well of late. too much in my head, too many thoughts, and most of them unpleasant. if i’d have been given the choice, i would definitely have rejected anxiety. it is fatiguing to deal with its constancy."

perfectionism, editing, and good enough

"editing is one of those steps that i used to skip when i wrote things. i never reread what i wrote; what would have been the point? wasn’t it perfect? didn’t my words land on the page in the best possible configuration? how could i possibly improve on the perfection inspiration brings?"

it’s hard to think clearly over the pain

"i can’t think clearly over the pain. it occurred to me that i’ve been in this situation before. metaphorically as well as actually. i often have trouble thinking over the pain. after all, isn’t that really what my mood-altering behaviours are designed to do? they help me escape from the pain that i can’t function my way through."