Trigger warning: it’s long. Also, it's possible I'm blunt. I was eleven once upon a time, though it’s far enough in the past to refer to as a lifetime ago. Eleven was an important year in my scheme of things. Much happened. I realized my fat legs were destroying any hope I had for a... Continue Reading →
I don't think my hippocampus is back online yet. They get testy, and will sometimes go on strike when the world is stressful and the hits won't stop coming. I've had so many hits, my soul probably looks like a patchwork quilt of impact craters. On the bright side, I didn't fall back on old... Continue Reading →
Reblog: Hotel rooms are dangerous places.
I don’t forget my eating disorder because it’s been a part of my life for decades. And yet, I do forget some things.
It’s been a long time since I’ve been miserable enough to pursue the behaviours I talked about here. It’s funny: day-to-day, we think nothing changes, and yet, when we look back once significant time has passed, the differences are profound.
(November 12, 2017)
Trigger warning: blunt discussion of eating disorder behaviors.
My history with hotel rooms is complicated. They’re great when I’m on vacation with others. I have other hotel stories in my past, however.
I don’t like revisiting my past, but I’m learning that if I don’t own it, forgive myself for it, and let it go, I’ll get pulled back into the pit. You have to be careful and diligent in recovery – eating disorders are determined opponents, and they want to stay.
I was always sure the hotel reception staff knew something was up when I walked into a lobby. I think we call that projecting? It felt like people were staring at me. It seemed to me that everyone knew why I was there and thought me disgusting. The likely truth is they neither knew nor cared. I’m pretty sure no one would’ve guessed “bingeing and…
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I'm not writing much these days. Heat, apathy, and sickness, both my own and familial, have contributed to my sense of futility and ennui. I'm uninterested in almost everything, save for bad news. It's good when one's view of a dark and depressing world is confirmed. Bring on the stories about climate change and ugly... Continue Reading →