I was “better” when I threw up.

I was thinking about uploading to Google Docs a draft of a book I wrote with an eye to asking someone to take a look at it. I know Google is an easy way to share documents. That is, I sort of know it. I’ve edited documents other people have posted and sent me invitations too, mostly works that I had published and needed to have a final look at. I’ve not, however, set up a document myself and I’m a bit nervous. It occurs to me that hesitation and trepidation are a big change to my historical behaviours...

An eating disorder is a structure.

An eating disorder is a destructive thing but also helpful in an odd, dysfunctional way. It acts as a kind of support structure. It’s scaffolding. It’s the glue that holds everything together when the emotions seem too difficult to manage. It locks up the pain, the misery, the anxiety, the inferiority complex, the self-hatred and all the neuroses and keeps them barricaded away so you don’t have to deal with bad feelings...

Eating quirks, normalcy, and acceptance.

I’ve been gaining weight. I’ve mentioned it here before. I hate it. I’ve mentioned that too. I’m trying to learn to accept it. To be, at my counsellor’s behest, political about my body the way I am about other things. Social justice things. It’s time to start developing a sense of personal justice. It’s time to fight back against the nasty bits and pieces that drove me to develop a disorder that focuses on having the perfect body in order to feel acceptable...

You have to eat, even when you’re afraid.

Sometimes, I think if I take off the reins, the urge to eat will take over my world. I know where it comes from and what drives it, this feeling that I can’t ever consume enough. This feeling that if I start, I’ll never stop. It’s from the eating disorder, from a lifetime of restriction and deprivation. You can’t undo what’s been done. I can’t go back in time and eat the food now I didn’t eat then. But I worry that without the restrictions I still have in place, I’ll try...