every day is a new day. this is either a good thing or horrifying, depending on your point of view and state of mind.

some wake in the morning and are full of anticipation. they believe good things will come their way. if they anticipate struggles, they believe they are up to the challenge of facing them. they are ready for life. that’s not how new days are for me.

waking up is never a thrill. part of that is doubtless because morning comes so early. i long for the days when i slept reasonably well, even if said sleep was artificially induced. i miss needing an alarm clock to wake me from my slumber. i miss drowsy mornings.

instead, i wake to noisy thoughts and an attacking brain; i arise to face my horrible inside voice that criticizes the things i’d done the day before and points out the likelihood of coming failures. i debate and correct the thoughts but it’s work, and work i resent having to do. i want what no one has – i want life to be easier. i want to wake up and embrace it. i want to live only that day.

it’s hard to embrace a new day when your brain is obsessed with the future and the past. it’s hard to be present in your life when you can’t let go of what’s done and what’s yet to be. i’ve missed much of my life in thinking this way.

eating disorders and mental illnesses steal your days and your years. you lose not only the time it takes to exercise them but the option of living in the now. i’m either regretting past actions or planning for my future regrets. even when i purge, i am detached from the reality of the present moment.

i don’t want that anymore. i want to live my life, not wait for it to start. wait too long and you miss it all. i’m tired of planning for the moment when life can begin, tired of waiting to embrace the new day, tired of holding out for that moment that will never come, when everything is perfect and fixed enough for me to engage.

i want to wake up and look forward to breakfast. i want to stretch and smile and face the day, not wake up and check to see if i can still feel my bones. i want to know, not just hope, that i can deal with the thoughts that attack and drag me down. i want those thoughts to come less with time.

i want to carpe diem, not hold the line.

(december 19, 2017)