I hate losing things.

I hate losing things. Even games, though that’s not what this is about. Perhaps all loss is verboten in my brain?

I ordered a few things from Amazon the other day. Evil, I know, but it’s so convenient. Hypocrisy will be the death of us. That, and our tendency towards inertia.

But I digress.

Among the purchases was a Burt’s Bees Lip Crayon. I’ve started wearing makeup again. I’m wearing it consistently with an eye to looking good. I’m watching videos on “how to” and practicing techniques. I even bought a Selena Gomez Rare Beauty highlighter.

It’s amazing.

Lips have been the last thing. One, because it’s taken until this week to get to the point where I have no open wounds on my face, and no bandages either. Two, because, hey masks are a thing and why bother? Then I watched a video about setting spray. This leads us to three, my lip paralysis. [i]

In the service of my body dysmorphic disorder, I’ve done a lot of damage, some of it permanent. Facial nerve damage is one of those instances. I’ve lost some of the nerves under my lower right lip, which affects both the lip and the chin. Who knew tension was so important. [ii]

It’s a mild deformity as deformities go, but to me, it blazes out from my face as clearly as if my nose was Rudolph’s. An ironic result of my quest for facial perfection. So, neutral lip. No lip. Just a clear gloss. Which is a shame, because I always enjoyed lips. Sticks, stains, and glosses, matt and glass, I like it all. But I like crayons the best. I have a Revlon Colorburst Lacquer Balm that’s twenty years old and started it all. It’s an intense colour which is why I still have it – a rich and dark glossy red they called “Enticing.” [iii]

I generally hate the names.

The Burt’s Bees one arrived yesterday. I opened it at the kitchen counter. I clearly remember it – it came in a mailer pack with a buffalo plaid face mask I’d also ordered.

I remember opening it and cursing the shrink-warp trend. Those perforations rarely work the way they’re supposed to. I peeled it and gave my lips a swipe. And then, nothing. I went to put it away and have been stunned by its absence. It’s done a “poof.” It’s not even in my makeup tray, a stunningly organized collection if I say so myself.

It’s not in the only other makeup location, the makeup bag in my purse, either.

I’ve retraced my steps over and over, ever since I realized its whereabouts were unaccounted for, fighting off panic. I don’t react well to losing things. Partly because they’re my things and I don’t have huge amounts of disposable income to replace them, and partly because my anxiety demands I know the whereabouts of everything in my domain.

I usually can. It’s part of the reason I’m so rigourously organized. My brain is unkind if I’m not. I think I might like to be the kind of person that can toss something in a drawer. I fold my underwear. The junk drawer has dividers and the clothes in my closet are organized by type and colour.

Ask me for anything and I’ll be able to tell you if I have it and where it’s located. And if it’s not there, panic ensues. I’ve been fighting it off for the last hour and after searching through this drawer and that one, after looking through my makeup tray and bag twenty times, after crawling on the floor to see if it rolled under something, and after digging through the damn garbage to see if I inadvertently tossed it, I gave up. I’m now trying to relax the knot that has taken over the space that used to be inhabited by my heart. I’m trying to make the part of my brain that hates this be okay. It’s not the end of the world. We didn’t fail. The makeup crayon can be replaced.

But boy, do I hate losing things.

[i] It has been slightly more than two years since I’ve been open-wound-free. There are two ways of looking at this -distress because it took two years this time to get me to neutral, or joy because I’m now at that point. I’m going with joy.

[ii] One “loses” nerves by pulling them out. It hurts. I don’t recommend.

[iii] Since I wrote this, I’ve gotten brave and added more intensity to my lip choices. I even bought a green lipstick and a black lip stain. I haven’t worn those out of the house yet, but the orange Revlon Lacquer Balm is getting some play.

A lifetime of acquiring is represented here. Except mascara. You have to cycle those.

13 thoughts on “I hate losing things.

  1. You wrote this a couple years ago? If so, you lost the lip crayon a couple years ago? I’m guessing it was never found? Man, I hate when that happens. Luckily, it doesn’t happen often to me—and it sounds like it doesn’t happen often to you either. Let’s call that a win.

    I’m glad you’re experimenting more with lip color again—I hope it’s been fun! Makeup is part of fashion, after all. I’d be willing to bet that your nerve issue isn’t as obvious to others as it is to you. Again, we all shine spotlights on our own flaws to reinforce that megative self-talk. Tell that bitch to STFU.

    Thank you for sharing your organized makeup collection! (I was fixing to ask, but saw the photo at the end, and was delighted!) I LITERALLY just bought a rolling cart (several drawers!) for my bathroom yesterday to get all my makeup organized—I can’t wait for it to arrive!! My collection grew to an insane amount throughout the pandemic and I struggle to locate the shades I need when I need them. I’m looking forward to putting a system in place so I can get ready more efficiently.

    Anytime you want to share photos of your organized systems, bring them on—I’m addicted to organization. (I thank/blame my OCD for that.)


    1. Did I say years? Edit coming up. I meant weeks. Of course, the days do feel long.

      You have a rolling cart! I’m very jealous. I must immediately go shopping so I can justify one.

      You’re probably right about the nerve damage. We do notice ourselves in minute detail that others avoid.

      That’s a good for a post. I will not pay royalties, however 😉

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Winter days always drag! 🤣🤣🤣

        I WILL have a rolling cart, once it arrives—and now that I pulled the trigger, I’m chomping at the bit!

        No royalties needed—I’ll look forward to your future organization post(s)!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Well that stinks. As a kid, I was forced to look for something missing until it was found. There was an item that a friend of mine hid that was not found until months (or was it years?) later and it was hell for a while. I guess that turned me into a person that likes to know where what is. It’s SO helpful, though! So nice to be able to go up to a drawer, open it and pull out exactly what you need instead of looking for it and/or going out shopping for it.

    I’m sorry about the crayon. I was going to say trash – inside the packaging, but you already said you went through it. Next thing – where did you put the mask? Could it be with it? Other than that – maybe one day you will get a nice surprise when you most need it?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh wow. That is a harsh condition. When you’re a kid, friends “pranks” are often miserable for the recipient.

      I’m hoping for a delightful surprise at this point. And I did by another Maybelline Vinyl lipstain this week.

      I’m gonna need a bigger tray.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I always want to know where everything is… Even when my space is a total mess I usually can still tell where everything is, until someone (not me) decides to tidy up… And it instantly becomes a neat tidy anxiety park 🤣
    One thing I do remember losing is someone’s bracelet which turned out to be their family heirloom, I had it then I didn’t ooopsie I hope they have forgiven me by now


    Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh, I hear you about losing things. I’ve been trying so hard not to look too hard for things when they go missing and instead wait for them to show up if it isn’t critical. Even then, it’s hard for my brain to let go!

    I hope by the time I’m typing this comment that your lip pencil has shown up!

    Liked by 1 person

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