My world has become odd. I’m anhedonic much of the time. Luckily, I have practice faking it. But between PTSD and pending grief, times are tough. Add very ill parents who need daily help, my own issues, and friends trapped in their own worlds of pain, and suddenly, dissociating makes sense.
Being flat keeps me safer but my creativity takes a hit. It’s driven by feelings and I’m not doing much of that these days. I try. I write. I review. I delete. I have nothing to say and everything to say; the words are trapped in here with me.
I feel like I’ve been shrink-wrapped.
I’m exercising a lot, however. I’m even doing it in a non-eating disordered, non-obsessive-compulsive way. Mostly. Engaging in an exercise practice with an eye to improvement and relaxation is a nice change. The eating disorder makes you treat exercise like a mission. Success is imperative. Thin isn’t just in with an eating disorder, it’s everything.
I do love my FitOn app. Opening it daily brings structure to a life that’s spinning just a little bit out of control. I’m not a fan of out-of-control. My anxiety doesn’t like it either. It does like the props the app gives you for showing up and finishing things. It also likes the feeling of safety routine brings.
Plus, my arms are looking good with the effort I’m putting in. I always wanted Linda Hamilton in “Terminator 2” arms. I’m not remotely close, but I remain inspired.
But I miss my blog. I miss having my blog as my thing. I miss the writing and I miss the sharing, the feeling that you’re talking to people. I miss listening to other people’s stories.
I was scrolling through the reader and came across Sadje’s post (at Keep It Alive). She answered a series of prompts from “Share Your World.” These are both great pages. This is the problem with Word Press. There’s too much fabulousity out there.
I haven’t done prompts in the past very often, mostly because the idea well was running over. As, that’s no longer the case, I’m embracing prompts with gratitude.
It feels like a reprieve.
QUESTIONS When you were a kid, did you eat the crusts on your sandwich or not? Happiness is crust. Not only did I eat the crust, I often ate only the crust. Especially sourdough crust. Heat it in the microwave, add butter and some garlic salt...yum. I can get a little pathogical with it, but we all have quirks. Are you a fan of musicals—why or why not? I'm sometimes a fan, though when it comes to fandom, I'm mostly muted. Except occasionally. I stanned "Buffy" hard back in the day. Interestingly, there was a musical episode. I like old musicals, like "Singing in the Rain." Or animated ones, like "Moana" and "Encanto." I didn't watch "La La Land." It didn't appeal to me and I like the actors. I did love me some "High School Musical." My high school had less dancing in the halls. Live musicals are the bomb. I saw "Miss Saigon" in London. Love. Is it difficult to do what you do? (for a living, hobby etc.). If you’re retired, what you did previously for a job can be substituted. I've had a lot of jobs. I've managed restaurants. I've worked in a funeral home. I've been a business manager, and adminstrator, and a paralegal. I've run HAACP and ISO programs. I've not found much to be difficult. My mental illness is usually the hardest part of any job. It infiltrates everything. I lasted about three years before things became intractable. That's now permanent, an odd adjustment to have to make. I'm unemployable because of a broken brain. It's a little weird. What’s the best concert you’ve ever been to? (Doesn’t have to be a rock concert either). I saw Ed Sheeran at Ambleside Park. It was lovely. It was a warm summer evening and we danced on the grass as he played guitar and sang. We camped out and ate pizza under the stars with a friendly security guard and a friendly family of skunks. It was a fabulous evening. Even it I did lose my favourite denim jacket. GRATITUDE SECTION Looking back over your life, what is one thing you’re grateful for? One thing you really regret? I'm grateful for the parents I was assigned. I regret any and all harm I've caused, inadvertent and vertent. I especially regret what my attempts at self-harm (especially the extreme versions aka suicide attempts) did to my parents.
Header credit: World Map Klimt Art Deco by Dragica Micki Fortuna