i see you.

(I have plans to write things relevant and recent. I have notes on my desk and thoughts in my head. I jotted something down in my journal the other day, aided by my decision to toss the diary I’d started but couldn’t love. Happiness is a spiral binding, at least when it comes to me and my notebooks.

Eating disorders are hell. Recovery is also hell; it takes a long time before you start to believe it might be worth it. It took a long time for me to believe it might be worth it. I’m mostly sold, though I still love decreasing flesh and prominent bones a little too much. The difference is that yesterday, upon noticing my gaunt face, I added a bowl of sherbet to dinner instead of thirty minutes on the treadmill.

Though there was some buyer’s remorse this morning.

It’s interesting, navigating grief and stress in a mostly sober fashion. I’m pretty sure I don’t like it.)

i see you (february 15, 2017)

i see you.
i can see it in your face,
in the muscles that line your jaw,
the way your teeth sit loosely in your gums.

i can see it in your eyes,
in that odd combination of emptiness and pain.
i see it in the expression that crosses your face
when you think nobody’s watching.

i don’t need to see jutting collarbones
or the tendons tracing your forearms.
i knew before i saw your ribs pushing at your skin,
before light shone through that thigh gap.

like speaks to like, and we are of a type, you and i.
i see you, even as we are both unseen.

5 thoughts on “i see you.

  1. I also start journals, tear out pages, throw them across the room… and then buy another one, just to repeat this frustrating cycle. For me, it’s because:

    a) I can’t stand my handwriting. People compliment me all the time on how “beautiful” it is; but to me, it screams of imperfections — squiggles here and there from my tremors, little ink blots from uncooperative pen nubs, etc.

    b) My desire to journal is strongest in the midst of dark thoughts… and when I return to them, they are too ugly to look at.

    You are far wiser than I, Lovely Lady. I keep buying the bound journals (versus the spirals) and hoping for different results. Guess I am the living embodiment of the definition of “insanity”, after all. 🤦🏻‍♀️

    P.S. I can’t wait until you’re writing again, in all your hilarious glory!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. A beautiful piece. Very touching, filled with so much emotion.
    I don’t mind spiral binding but it’s not my favorite. I like that all the pages are free but holding such on my knees or hands can be painful.

    Liked by 1 person

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