my eating disorder – trigger warning

"I remember the moment my eating disorder took over vividly. I was insecure and self-conscious about myself even as a very young girl. I desperately wanted to fit in, to be popular, to be beautiful, and to be confident. To be “normal”. I desperately needed approval from my peers and from adults; i needed someone to tell me that i was okay because inside, for as long as i can remember, i have felt anything but. I have always felt less than, inadequate, inferior, and not enough."

i’m dying to be beautiful

"some topics come up more than others, in my blog and in my brain. i revisit this one regularly, because the desire to be beautiful takes up huge parts of my psyche and it’s killing me. analyzing my history and thought processes, unpacking what i think “beautiful” means and why i can’t be okay if i can’t meet the arbitrary and ever-changing definitions i impose are important things to understand"

live your life as if

"when you live with an eating disorder, you live in a state of waiting. you’re waiting for that magic day when you will be perfect. once you’re perfect, life can begin. when you’re perfect, you’ll be worth spending time on. when you’re perfect, you can start to take care of yourself. when you’re perfect, you can do the things you want to do, chase the dreams you dream of, and stand up for yourself. "

currently hating food

"i am having a problem with food and eating of late, in that i hate them both. this is a significant challenge when you consider that eating is one of the basic requirements for living."

just three pieces of toast

"somedays, i want to eat everything. it’s the only thing that will help, at least that’s what my eating disorder likes to tell me."