I’m not sleeping well lately, though no existential search is required. It’s not even the “mother with cancer” thing. It’s simply pain. It rarely stops now, and though it’s not as sob-inducing as my neuralgia, it’s not insignificant. My new, new surgeon is investigating a suggestion by my new, now former surgeon. All roads lead to surgery, it seems. Only a few weeks wait for the new-new, a miracle of some degree, but that’s a lot of sleepless nights. There’s a limit to how many drugs I’m willing to take, and how often. I don’t want a different problem when I get to the end.

I’m not sure why insomnia makes me putter. I’d already been puttering to cope with the run of bad luck we’ve been having, but this is different: it’s productive. I’ve returned to projects I’d been procrastinating on and I’ve started new ones. I’m not doing some things I used to, but I tell myself that my choices are up to me and these days, I believe it.

Perhaps it’s the changes, improvements, and recovery projects, oh my? I think things are starting to gel. I feel like I own the person in this skin. I’m getting comfortable with this body. I’m getting comfortable with having and enforcing boundaries. I’m even starting to come to terms with being a functioning neurotic. It’s nice, not feeling on the defensive all the time. It’s nice, not feeling like I have to earn my air.

Though Visa would probably like me to earn something.

Among my new habits is the drawing of the cards (that sounds so cool). I don’t say daily, because I don’t draw a new card every day. I hang onto some of them for rereads until things sink in. Until I own it. Then there are the cards that don’t feel right. Then I send those to the bottom of the deck and pick the next one. It’s not like we’re getting graded.

I didn’t specify the deck either: I don’t think it matters. I’m currently pulling Don Miguel Ruiz cards. I also have rune cards, and a tarot deck (originally just playing cards, FYI). More important than the card origin, I think, is the practice of reading and contemplative thought.

Though cribbage is a good game too.

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Always do your best: don't overdo. 

Always do you best, but don't overdo.
When you overdo, you deplete your body and go against yourself, 
and it will take you longer to accomplish your goal.

Don Miguel Ruiz. 

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https://fromfaminetofeast-eatingdisordersandrecovery.com/2020/03/05/do-the-structural-work/