spring can be a challenging time of year. the dark days of fall and winter suit my moods better. when i wake up to discover that somehow i tripped and fell into the pit while i slept, i don’t want to hear the birds or see the sun or smell the flowers. i want it all gone.
i want the world to know that today is a hard day. i want the world to know i’m struggling. it seems unfair to me that life goes about with its business without reflecting on how much its lack of concern is hurting me.
i want to rip the sun from the sky. i want to silence the songbirds. i want to destroy the bits and pieces of happiness that are floating around outside. i want it dark and cold and rainy, so that everyone can share in the mood i woke up with today.
i don’t want to embrace the day. i don’t want to step up and fight. i don’t want to push myself through the mood. i want to wallow. i want to give up.
sometimes the dark moods feel like a kick in the teeth. it feels like a personal attack.
i want to revel in the unfairness of it all. i want to stomp around and ask “why me?” i want to scream loudly and without stopping so that everyone will know that i hurt, physically and mentally. i want everyone to know that today has been hard from the second i woke up and that i hate days like this.
i don’t want to pretend. i don’t want to suck it up. i don’t want to fake it.
it gets tiring, after all. it’s tiring to face waking, and eating, and walking, and doing when the only thing that appeals is withdrawing. when the only thing that seems do-able is curling up in a ball and hiding.
i don’t want inspirational stories or encouraging memes. i don’t want to hear that i’m not unique, that others are suffering too, or that i’ve got this. people tell you those kinds of things when you suffer from depression all the time. sometimes it’s helpful. sometimes it feels like a weight you can’t bear to carry anymore, just one more sign that you’re failing.
i want someone to put me back in bed and tuck me in. i want someone to tell me that they can fix this, that they can fix me. i want today to be my last day like this ever. knowing that’s unlikely increases the despair.
i want to believe that tomorrow i’ll wake up and feel better, that the morning sun and birdsong will put a smile on my face, and that the darkness will leave me alone from now until the end of my days.
knowing that no one else can fix it is painful. sometimes i don’t feel equal to the challenge but it’s not like you have many options. giving in and letting myself sink will get me nowhere despite sometimes wanting to do nothing else. quitting will not help me end up where i need to be.
the dark days are hard. i struggle. i hurt. i rage. sometimes, i just want the world outside to reflect that fact.
(april 23, 2018)