december 17, 2017 – balancing on the edge of a knife
i feel like i’m perched on the edge of a blade, balanced there. it’s fragile and tenuous and there are monsters all around, circling. it takes so little to send me over and i’m tired of it. some days i’m so tired of the fight.
it’s fatiguing when you’ve been fighting for years and you do all the right things and you go through the motions but the demons are still there, waiting and circling, taunting you, telling you all the ways you are wrong.
i resent the need to make the effort, at times. i resent trying to stay positive. i resent that simple things like eating are such a challenge. i hate the dark thoughts that i’m constantly battling back. i don’t want to focus on the things i can control.
i want to rage and scream and cry out about the unfairness of it all, even though i’m aware that no one promised life would be fair.
i want to run. i have no idea where i’d go or how i’d get there. i suspect there would be as uncomfortable and miserable as here and yet sometimes, it’s all i think about.
i resent, at times, the presence of the people in my life. i resent their care and concern and attention. i resent the demands their existence places on me. if i was alone, no friends or family or children, i wouldn’t feel so obligated to stay here, so obligated to fight. i could just drift away into the dark and quiet.
the exhaustion gets to you. waking up yet again to fight, and sometimes i don’t want to. i want the quiet. i want to be free. i want peace. i want the negative voices gone and the ugly thoughts silenced and the pain erased.
sometimes it seems that the fight just leads to more fighting. it seems so pointless at times. i want the light at the end of the tunnel and i worry that i’ll never get there.
i continue to balance on the edge of the knife, so tired, still hoping that one day, even if nothing else changes, i’ll at least advance to balancing on a two by four, so that even if the battle continues to rage, i’ll have the advantage of moderately more secure footing.
phot credit: shutterstock