The finish line.

July has come to an end, and so has my commitment to 30-Soft, the plan I decided to follow to kick myself out of an extended period of stalled ennui.

It was a simple plan, on paper, and the changes didn’t seem too onerous: follow a healthy eating plan; drink enough water; exercise at least twice a day, once outside; read at least ten pages of (inspirational) non-fiction; and take a daily selfie.

I figured the daily selfie would be the hardest part, and I was correct. I don’t like looking at myself. It did, however, get easier. I averaged three a week, fewer self-portraits than I hoped for, but more than I expected.

The changes.

I didn’t expect the changes to feel overwhelming in the early days – I was already eating, drinking, and walking my dog – but the first ten days or so felt like work. I think it was my sense of accountability that made the changes feel more stressful and weighted. I suppose that’s why I tend to keep resolutions secret – there’s less in the way of interest or accountability if no one knows your plans. You can bail without issue.

I made my resolutions public, so barring hideous injury, ego demanded I continue. Ego is a double-edged sword, for sure. I’m glad in this instance that I tend to be a smidge prideful. I kept going, and the changes added a welcome bit of structure to my life.

I haven’t felt like my life had a particular purpose for some time – I’ve been drifting some since my mom died a year and a half ago, though adopting a dog this past January also helped. We did much together, my mom and I, even before she got sick. When she died, especially after all the death and estate tasks were done, I suddenly had too much time.

Purpose and meaning.

Purpose, unfortunately, doesn’t show up because you’ve developed a hole. You have to take action to move forward and away from grief. Without it, you do what I did – you stall a bit.

One important takeaway from my month of 30-Soft is how helpful using the ToDo app has been in terms of sticking to the changes and getting myself back into the ‘moving forward’ habit. Creating a daily list of tasks – mostly – keeps me focused and inspired. It’s easier to stay on track when I’ve concrete plans in place. The neurotransmitter pop one gets from checking a task off as done is also fun.

I don’t see myself giving up on the changes now that the month is over. They’re not particularly deep or significant – save for that selfie one, and I am hating images of myself less – but they do make me feel better about how I’m spending my time. They make me feel better about myself.

They make me feel better.

What’s next?

Momentum tends to breed momentum, something I’d hoped for with the 30-Soft changes, and my optimism bore fruit. I got more energized and productive across the board. I’m feeling good about areas of my life that exist beyond the program. That’s partly because I’m more ‘here’ these days, more present, more of this reality. The commitments I made act as a bit of an anchor, and I need that. I need the tether.

It’s easy for me to live life a little bit removed. Withdrawing in my head to the position of slightly dissociated observer is common, though I’m told it’s hard to notice. My son and one of my brothers sometimes notice, but few others.

Following this plan has made me feel more connected and more present. I like it. As it’s easier to feel happier and settled in your life when you’re content with the actions you’re taking, I’m going to persist.

There’s a little voice in the back suggesting that, since the month is over, I could slack a bit on the To-Do list. Why continue with what’s working when you could make a change to the worse? One day, I’m going to find that impish inside voice that works hard to create issues, and we’re going to have words.

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