The why of my 30-Soft

I’ve been struggling this year. Everything felt hard, and I felt extremely unproductive. I was rarely happy with what I’d managed to accomplish at the end of the day. I felt like I was engaging in too much lateral movement – reorganizing things is fun, and helps calm me down when my anxiety is spiking, but truthfully, it’s not changing much.

I felt unable to kick free of what felt like weights on my ankles, dragging me down. I felt like I was “not working up to my full potential,” as those old report cards used to say. Even when factoring in the impacts of my annual depression and learning to live with grief, I felt like I was not doing enough.

‘Enough for whom?” is the question my counsellor would ask, but I like to brush those kinds of questions aside.

You can read more about my decision to follow the 30 Soft plan here.

The pillars for my 30-Soft

I’m not sure why I didn’t change “pillars” to “rules,” or even “steps” in my original essay. I realized today, as I checked back in on it, that calling the rules “pillars” is going to annoy me on a going-forward basis. It feels pretentious and a bit over the top.

I decided on five daily steps for my 30-Soft: follow a nutrition plan; complete two 45-minute workouts a day, one outside, and take one rest day; drink three to four litres of water a day; read (at least) ten pages of (inspirational) non-fiction a day; and, take a daily progress picture.

I had a sixth step in mind that I didn’t share – I had plans to write something for the blog every day while doing this. It became a bit much, however, and so I scaled back. I felt that doggedly pursuing that sixth step would’ve been the wrong choice.

It’s important when starting something new to not overcommit and burn out. In our enthusiasm, we can take on too much. When we start to struggle, we reject the new activity wholesale as unworkable instead of simply scaling back to a more reasonable level. Or perhaps tossing the baby out with the bathwater’s just a “me” thing.

The story so far..

I’m using the ToDo app on my iPhone to help me keep track of my daily 30-Soft tasks. It’s quite satisfying to tick off “exercise” or “water” and hear the resultant, celebratory ping.

Food

I’m always a bit cautious when it comes to embarking on a formal diet, what with my three-and-a-half decades of active eating disorder. That being said, my eating routine could stand some improvement. It tends to be protein and vegetable-light, for one. I also graze more than I’m comfortable with in the evening. These were the behaviours I decided to address.

I upped my protein content by going European at breakfast. I’m eating sandwiches with meat or protein in them for breakfast (and most lunches). One can also add a handful of fruit or veggies, which I’ve been doing. I found a great sprout mix at my local farmer’s market, and who doesn’t love peanut butter, apple, and banana?

I didn’t have to actively counteract the grazing in the evening much. I seem less interested in evening nibbles, which I attribute to the increased protein in my diet. I used to tell people I figured I liked salty food because of my low blood pressure. I guess the grazing and snacking were partly a result of missing macros.

Exercise

This one was always going to be a breeze to meet – I have a dog that requires an hour-and-a-half to two hours of exercise a day. I’m only counting the dog walk as one, however. One can’t live by cardio alone, and using weights/doing weight-bearing exercise is important for ‘women of a certain age.’

The part that’s the problem – the part that’s always a problem – is the rest day. I didn’t do it this week because I completely forgot about its existence. I tend not to be an object at rest. This is something I’m working on. I like to imagine I give off restful vibes, but I’m restful like popping corn.

Water

This one was easy. I love water. I didn’t even have to count the iced teas I also consume. About a third of it was sparkling – my daughter gave me a Soda Stream for my birthday. I’ve become a huge fan. The face she made when she tried the bubbly water was hilarious. She’s on board with the flavoured versions.

Read some (inspirational) non-fiction

I struggle with reading when I’m in a depressive episode, and it’s one of the last things I pick back up as I’m coming out, so this one was harder. You’d think the ‘only ten pages’ requirement would’ve helped me crack some spines, but that only happened on a couple of days. I decided to give myself grace and leeway, and allowed for any nonfiction. I actually read a fair bit if one counts my morning email read-through of blogs, newsletters, news, and op-eds.

Selfies

I took four over the first week of my 30-Soft. I thought about counting the day I watched TikToks on how to take selfies – I learned much, such as lowering the f settings, using a studio light filter, using a timer – I never could figure out how they managed to pose and click: sometimes, I’m not smart – and choosing poses that are more than stretching out one’s dominant arm.

I’m not posting them. I am getting moderately more comfortable with seeing myself as the camera sees me.

I also discovered that the paralyzed bit on my lower right lip and chin is bigger than I thought, so that’s going to take a bit of working through.

We grieve over self-inflicted injuries as well.

How I’m feeling

I was going to add a sixth pillar to the program – blog every day. It didn’t seem to me that this would feel like a lot. After all, I already eat healthily. I already exercise. I already drink water. How much work could this be? Why not add another step?

I was starting to feel a smidge overwhelmed by day three, and by day four of everything plus posting, I realized I’d bitten off more than I was comfortable chewing. It’s surprising how adding a bit of formality and structure to one’s life can make one feel overwhelmed.

Once upon a time, I’d have interpreted these feelings as a failure of character. Not meeting the demands I’d set for myself would’ve sent me into a spiral of self-loathing and self-harm. The differing reactions to these kinds of things is one of the things I appreciate most about recovery.

I decided that my goal for posting as I moved through this 30-Soft daily routine reinvigoration was to do my best. I also realized I’d best spend some time thinking about what happens when the thirty days are done. There’s not much point in starting the engine if you don’t have a destination in mind.

Where do we go from here?

The following questions were asked regarding my pursuit of the 30-Soft: Our main curiosity is your goal: feel better? Be stronger? Do this for what? If there were no impediments in life, how would you want to live? With whom? Doing what? Is this regimen a step toward that vision?

These are good questions. I’ve been asked variations of these questions before, but they never really penetrated. Questions about my future, what I want it to look like, and so on; these were RAM conversations my brain discarded. That’s how you come to spin your wheels – you look down. I’m grateful they penetrated this time. I suppose I’m ready to look to the future.

Once upon a time, my goal for the future was to be as thin as possible. It then shifted to being as thin as possible while getting rid of my eating disorder. When I started fighting for recovery, a life without an eating disorder was the only thing I envisioned. When I got there – six years of sober eating on October 31, 2026 – life got exceptionally busy, and I got distracted from finding my meaning.

Recovery is an amazing thing, but it’s not a purpose.

I feel good about how I’ve spent my time this past week. I feel good about meeting my 30-Soft goals – mostly. I feel good about having more energy of late, which I’ll blame on my increased protein consumption. But if I don’t want this month to end up being the puttering equivalent of reorganizing my library, I also need to spend some time on the “what’s next?”

I thought of this 30-Soft as lighting a fuse. I forgot that rockets have to be aimed.

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