Mental Health

Death and busywork – an off-the-cuff joint.

My mother died at the beginning of the year. Thank you to everyone who has expressed sympathies. I appreciate your support and kind words very much.

Death in real life differs from death on television. On television, people collapse in inconsolable puddles. In real life, there’s much to do. And that’s before you get to the bureaucracy of estates.

My mom’s memorial service is this Friday. I don’t throw parties because I don’t want people in my space, and I worry no one will come. But this means I’m less practiced at organizing events, and a memorial service – called that instead of a funeral because my mother chose cremation – has a lot of moving parts.

There’s the church, the minister, the decorations, the order of service and memorial card (I’ve gone with them as separate entities and have designed the latter), and the obituaries. There’s the eulogy, the flowers, the updating of her social media, and dozens of other bits and pieces including the reception (a sub-category with its own moving parts).

You’d think there’d be no time for grief, but grief finds a way. It’s always there, in fact.

My brother said it well the other day:

I keep thinking I forgot something. I keep thinking there’s something I’m supposed to pick up, or there’s someplace I’m supposed to be. There’s an itch in my brain, and I realized that it’s the absence of mom.

Next week, things will start to move again. The busy work is a stress, but it keeps this feeling like time out of time. Once it’s done, there’s nothing left to distract me from reality.

I suspect the most annoying part of living with grief will be its persistence.

24 thoughts on “Death and busywork – an off-the-cuff joint.”

  2. I’m so sorry to hear about your mom… The persistence of grief is real… Sometimes, you forget for a moment, and you might even scold yourself. But it will always be there to show up at some of the most unexpected times, too.

    I like your brother’s quote. Well said.

    I hope you have others around you to help you with the organization of the service. It’s incredible how involved these things get (and expensive).

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    1. Thank you, especially the comment about scolding myself. I’m a little judgmental over what I perceive as my lack of debilitating devastation, but I also realize that one, I’m still a little numb, and too, this is part of life. We do know how to do it (my therapist and I discussed this. I’m not Obi Wan about death).

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      1. Indeed. I sometimes wonder if I’m still a bit in denial, keeping things at arm’s lengths. Then, emotions come flooding in and there’s nothing I can do. No cure or one size fits all treatment plan.

        Unrelated – I did not get notification for your replies to my comments. It had me worried and I came to your site to check on you and found the replies. I have no fcking idea what WP is doing. How many other replies am I ignoring?!?!

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        1. I noticed a change to the email notifications I was getting as well. They are doing fine on the WP site, but if I’m not checking every day – and I’ve not been of late – I miss stuff.

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    1. Thank you. I’m not reaching out much, but knowing friends like you are there in the background has been very helpful. I don’t like the “the only way out is through” rule of adulting. We should look at fixing that.

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        1. Thank you for asking. I was quite devastated. I don’t know why, exactly, but it felt like I was failing her in some way. I was gentle with myself on the Friday, however, so I think that has helped. One of the problems is that this is being left mostly in my hands, and that’s hard. But this Friday will be here soon enough.

          I hope the new year is going well for you.

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        2. We hear so much love for your mom in what you write 💕

          Hope the weather cooperates this week so that you can host

          Been trapped indoors for weeks with dangerous windchills. Feel frustrated, unmet needs for choice, movement, connection (with nature). Just got above zero (-17 C) windchill this week, so going birdwatching tomorrow!!

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        3. I’m sorry you were stuck indoors. I find that one of the hardest things about winter – the sense of being confined.

          That is very cold. Lots of opportunities for bird viewing here when it gets cold: I hope it’s the same for you.

          Wind is fierce.

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        4. Some tundra breeders come here for winter, but we are concerned that lack of snow cover right now means some still haven’t arrived or maybe already bypassed us. Just being outside and active with Older Child will fulfill so many needs that birds are relegated today to bonus material!

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