boundaries

What are you going to be when you grow up – an off-the-cuff joint.

This is not the post I planned, but I haven’t written that one beyond a title. However, if one has decided depression recovery lies in the doing, skipping the doing is probably a bad idea.

Or so I’ve heard.

I’m fifty-four years old and still trying to figure out what I’m going to do with my life. I’ve never had a real plan. I wanted to be an aerospace engineer when I was seven. I wanted to be an actress in my teens and early twenties, though not due to a love of performing. Actresses (especially when I was young) are thin, beautiful, validated, and happy, and I needed those things more than anything.

I didn’t know enough about life to know that thin doesn’t guarantee happy. And why would I? My eating disorder is predicated on believing the opposite.

An eating disorder is also about the waiting. Life comes later, when you’re thin, when you’re perfect. You do, of course, because bills need to get paid. You have relationships, maybe children. But it feels like a half-life because commitment comes you’re good enough.

And you are never, ever good enough.

I’m not going to be anything when I grow up. At least anything for anyone else. For a couple of reasons:

  • I’m grown up already. Whatever I was going to be, this is it. I’ve arrived.
  • The question itself – what are you going to be when you grow up – is fundamentally flawed. It places value on what you do rather than on who you are. It’s also hierarchical. We rank people, not by their good or bad qualities – “I’ve volunteered at a shelter since I was six; recycling’s for suckers” – but on what the do, and the money they make.
  • I’ve been forced to realize, again, that full-time external commitments, aka jobs aka full-time foster parenting are no longer possible for me. (I’m still going to do relief, short-term (a month or less), and special help like driving for visits).

The reality of my disability hits me like a wrecking ball every time. It’s hard not to let it make you feel less than. We value those who contribute.

My inability to fully bounce back can be difficult to explain to people and by “people” I mean my family and friends. They don’t get it. Largely because they don’t ask, don’t listen, and don’t want to know (they don’t read my blog either, in case you wondered. I did try. I told them when I started, I sent links, and I talked it up. They promised to get to it, but they never did. Eventually, I stopped sharing that bit of my life with them. Nobody enjoys constant rejection. It still makes me a little sad, but like me, people can only be who they are. I do wish my default setting wasn’t judge-y).

My family is also hampered by love. Mostly my parents. They don’t want to believe that my brain has an unrepairable bit. It’s not a big break, but it does mean that sustained stress is now beyond my ability to manage.

With my friends, knowing makes them uncomfortable. That’s not speculation, that’s based on responses to conversations. This doesn’t stop some of the them from judging, or from some of their spouses from complaining about people milking government benefits with a side-eye. I’ve explained time and again, not that he deserves to hear it, that I have private benefits and simply took my government pension early, but he’s big with the alt-right.

How interesting. I’ve struggled with his beliefs for quite some time since we disagree on much, but it wasn’t until I labelled it just now that I realized what his collection of beliefs signifies.

We tend to place the fringe as always far away from us, but that belief is how we let it get large.

I talked about life purpose with my counsellor this week. Who am I, what do I do, how do I stabilize my recovery? I think we even used the phrase “my brand.”

We also talked about moving.

The big thing I wanted to be when I grew up was gone. I don’t like my town. It’s evangelical Christianity as the majority and fundamental with it. Advertising aside, fundamentalism doesn’t make for good communities. It’s too selfish.

I wanted out of this place growing up. I stayed for love and then for my son. But the love died long ago, and my son is now an adult. As my counsellor pointed out, I can, in fact, get gone.

Two years seems like a good timeline.

Time to come up with a plan.

It’s always a good time to dance it out.

7 thoughts on “What are you going to be when you grow up – an off-the-cuff joint.”

  2. SO much to unpack here.
    1. RE: the “what do you want to be when you grow up” question – I think it’s a stimulating question when asking a kid. It allows them to dream. It allows us to find out more about what inspires them. My biggest dream was to be in acting. I starred in every school play I could, playing lead roles, sometimes even more than one. Unfortunately (or actually probably fortunately), Hollywood didn’t call. Maybe if I had YouTube back then… (glad I didn’t).

    But, asking an adult that question is just weird. When we ask that question, we communicate that wherever in life someone is, it isn’t good enough. While I agree with that premise and am always looking to climb the ladder (any, not just at work), I would never dare make someone feel inferior for not wanting/being able to move up.

    My partner had an opportunity to move up and declined it because the slight pay increase would not be worth the added stress and effort.

    It did depress me slightly to read that I’ve arrived and am grown up. Ever since high-school, I never really had a plan. I learned early on that those would usually get foiled anyway, so I just went with the flow. I’ve been made to feel about it. I made my choices for specific reasons. Good or bad, they are a thing of the past. I think we put too much pressure on careers and not enough of the quality of human beings. Have you heard a kid say they want to be a good and kind human when they grow up? I haven’t.

    RE: your family/friends not reading your blog. That revelation left me quite speechless. I keep my blog away from people in real life because I don’t want them to know all the ins and outs of my brain. It would be too easy for them to use it against me. But if someone I knew in real life shared their blog with me, I’d be honored. Being able to get to know them better would be such a gift. So, it’s sad that people don’t accept this gift of yours. Or maybe they are just afraid of what they might read. Maybe worried that they would read something about themselves that they might not like.
    RE: moving – Do you have an idea where you’d like to move to? My whole life’s been about moving or at least living in two different places. It’s good because I can find ‘home’ anywhere but bad because it makes people think that I don’t love/care for/want to be near to those that I leave behind. I’m moving next month (a different place, same town) and am stressing about it. I’m a bit uneasy about the fact that I have NO idea where I’ll be in 5, 10, 15 years. Same state? Same country? Same continent? So many variables… I used to think it was a blessing but now see it as a bit of a curse.

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  4. Let’s try again in the app. Success.

    “I think we put too much pressure on careers and not enough of the quality of human beings. Have you heard a kid say they want to be a good and kind human when they grow up?”

    I love this. We say we want our kids to be good people, but we’re not often explicit with it. “Be good people.” Our species tendency to dance around things is so odd.

    I’m glad your partner made that choice. It’s good to consider more than (in this case insufficient) more money when employers offer to make changes to your job and role. It took me a long time to learn that companies act in their best interest, not mine. Sometimes our needs align – often they don’t.

    When I realized that none in my circle were going to make the effort, it freed up my writing somewhat. I didn’t have to curate what I said. But it does mean that they still have no real idea about my eating disorder or mental illness.

    I’m not sure where I’ll move to. This is why I wanted to give it time. That’s a big mistake to make. I think I’ll probably stay in BC. But somewhere near accessible water. Somewhere I can still see mountains. Somewhere with a vibrant community.

    Moving is a huge stress. I’m sending good vibes. I get starting to feel a bit anxious about having a permanent home. Living in enormous countries like Canada and the US make that a bit more challenging, I think. We have so many options.

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  5. I am still navigating that blurred line were you realise that you are grown up and this is who you are now… so what for must happen.
    Adulting is such a scam 🤡
    ~B

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