A dark headspace – an off-the-cuff joint.

I used to skip the hyphens while typing, returning to do them after the writing was done, but it actually takes longer that way. I don’t usually start with a digression, but the thought occurred to me while titling and it felt insistent.

I’m in a dark head space these days. I’m in a blow-up-my-world head space. I’m full of anger and entitled pain – undeserved I’m sure since I don’t think I’m doing the family and friendship thing much better than those I complain about.

I wish I’d not been cursed with perspective. It makes blaming oneself the default.

This is one of the annoying things about mental illness – and what the hell is up with Word Press and the glitchy interface? – you miss a lot of signs that seem clear in hindsight. I’ve been withdrawing for some time now. I’ve been sinking for some time too.

It’s like diving into the water, perhaps. You only notice things are getting deep when your ears start to hurt.

This is how I once again found myself thinking about assisted suicide today. I don’t want it, but part of me is apparently getting interested, so danger, Will Robinson.

I wonder what it’s like to go through a whole life without thinking about killing yourself? The thoughts don’t mean I’m terribly close to the deed, though I am in distress. It’s a hard thing to talk about because no one likes to listen. It’s also one of those “better out than in” things.

The kiddo staying with me is a bit of a trigger – I flash back to failures with my stepdaughter which is then just a hop, skip, and jump to abusive relationships and getting ghosted. I have to remind myself that this is a different situation featuring different people who have a different relationship.

My thoughts are angry and entitled these days – not every depression manifests itself as inertia in a corner. ‘My stepdaughters only pursue relationships with me when they need financial support before ghosting me til the need arises again‘ is a common refrain. It’s true in part, but they’re also children of massive trauma. So, there’s that. But, I’m angry because it’s easy. I’m mostly hurt, but I also feel played.

Depression likes to focus on that.

This isn’t a good headspace for me. I can get mean when I’m like this.

I got in touch with my stepdaughter today. It’s officially a year (and a bit) since she ghosted me. I asked for the house key back and for her to pick up her things. I think she tried to approach me with the first text, but I don’t want it.

I don’t want anything. I sometimes wish my son hated me – he’s the thing that ties me to this place.

I’m tired of getting tired like this. I’ll talk about it to my counsellor tomorrow and my psychiatrist next week and we’ll all fight the good fight again, but today, I’m tired.

I should’ve bought an “easy” button.

I have this on my not-a-vision-board.

18 thoughts on “A dark headspace – an off-the-cuff joint.

  1. Shit.

    First, keep talking about it. It’s hard to hear, but some of us DO listen. Do you want my cell number?

    How much longer is the kiddo supposed to stay with you? Hopefully it’s not much longer, then you can go into repair mode.

    I believe we’ve discussed that I also go into the same destructive mode (and usually default to anger—it provides me with the energy to get through it) when triggered and overwhelmed. It’s great that you’re recognizing where you are, that you’ve been triggered, and that you’re holding yourself accountable.

    Make a list of things you have to look forward to—and include seemingly small things, like having complete control of and peace in your home. Everything counts. Try to shift your focus from all the negative towards the positive. Engage in activities and seek out individuals you love that bring you joy, peace, and energy.

    Hang in there and don’t believe the lies you’re telling yourself. Stop being so selfish. You ARE loved and worthy—and more than your son would miss you. I would miss you.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you. That made me cry a bit. I’m okay, I mean, rough but okay.

      She’s here for a bit, but it’s me that’s mostly the issue. A bit more honestly with my therapist would be good – I tend to undersell sometimes.

      It would be so nice if there were people you could yell at with impunity. I did remember that it always makes me feel a bit better – not that you suffer in the same way but that we can speak a common language.

      That’s a good idea. I’m going to plant some things today as well.

      Thank you again. I consider you a friend – I’d miss you as well.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Well, crying can be good, right? As you’ve said, in the past, the only way out is through. You already know that, but remind yourself that you don’t have to go through it alone.

        Stop underselling with your therapist. If ever there is a time to oversell your feelings, that time is now.

        I don’t know if you have one there, but there are places you can arm yourself with a bat and destroy items in a room. I wonder if that would help, or at least help extinguish some of the rage.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Yes, they were good tears.

          It’s this weird thing I do with therapists – I feel like I have to protect them, sort of. I’m going to vent, however.

          I’ve heard of those. I would like one. I think they would be awesome. For people for whom the talking is difficult, breaking can be great.

          Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m sorry things are so dark, it sounds horrible. Depression is hell and it makes you so exhausted with life. Well done for recognising how you’re feeling. Try and open up to your counsellor, that’s what they’re there for. Rant and rage at them if that would help. Depression is lying when it says there’s no hope and you’ve got nothing to offer the world. You’ve gone through so much and yet still want to help people, that’s remarkable. You are remarkable. I am grateful for all your kind words and comments. We need people like you who have been to hell and back and survived and can show that it’s possible. You have so much strength inside of you and much wisdom to offer the world. Hang in there. Sending love and prayers 💖

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much. It’s been a rough week but talking has helped. It’s funny how I always forget that.
      Depression is a liar but I forget that when it’s got me.


  3. Skipping dashes only to return to them later? That’s definitely… different.

    Having perspective feels like a curse a lot of the time. Others blame you, you blame you… You’re outnumbered. You score into your own net.

    I’ve noticed you’ve been withdrawing, but I figured you were just busy with the added responsibilities of life. Sorry to hear that you’re in a dark space.

    I doubt that there is someone who has never thought of dying. Quite dark, if you think of it.

    I’m happy that your son doesn’t hate you.

    Hope the therapists and all help. Stay golden! Here to listen (because I don’t know what else I could do.)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. I like the way you phrased that – you’re outnumbered. It’s true. I’m trying hard not to blow up my life – nothing like burning bridges when you’re down to make things worse.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m glad you felt safe enough to tell us what you’re going through here.

    Can you make an earlier appointment with your therapist? If you tell them how you’re feeling, I’m wondering if they can fit you in before your scheduled time.

    I agree with everything your first commenter friend suggested. Also, our ego deceives us. It is our worst enemy. Rage isn’t bad. Anger is not shameful. Feel your emotions. Let them go in a safe way. 

    You are loved. Even in the darkest of times. You are loved as you are. ❤️😘

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Damn! I’m seeing this post three days later. Hope you already spoke with your psychiatrist and your counsellor and you’re feeling a whole lot better. Keep talking to us though, we are listening. What purpose do we serve if we can’t talk each other off the ledge ❤️.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. That’s a lovely way to phrase it. I’m still struggling but I connected with people here and then spoke to my therapist with a little more honesty. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist coming up – maybe it’s time to play with medication.


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