Recovery Road has too many hills – an off-the-cuff joint.

Did you know that Peter Gabriel named five of his albums, “Peter Gabriel”? I guess he hated coming up with titles too. His new stuff is good – “Playing for Time” is in my “current rotation” Spotify playlist. It’s good.

But I digress. A neat trick considering I haven’t started.

I feel fat today.

Fat is not a feeling, something they hammer home in eating disorder recovery, but regardless, I feel fat. Uncomfortable in my body, uncomfortable with how things are in my life, a little lonely, a little anxious, and a little impotent.

Fat is easier, and this is one of the secrets that the eating disorder doesn’t want you to know – it’s a substitute. It’s where you put everything you don’t want to or can’t deal with. An obsessive focus on the self takes the pressure off almost everything else.

It’s a pretty good way to stay numb. Miserable, but numb to the things that should probably matter.

Numb to the things that are hard.

Also bloated, which never serves me well.

Another reason to not buy an eating disorder – it will wreck your gut.

I don’t believe eating disorders are addictions, but they share features and people with eating disorders tend to be addicted in some other fashion as well.

Survival efforts run amok. How odd that our brains make such bad choices. Necessary at the time, perhaps, but still, ultimately maladaptive.

I also don’t believe “abstinence forever” is the only recovery model – perhaps because my primary pathology is an eating disorder and one can’t give up food – though that would be the anorexic brain’s happy place.

I use the term “brain” loosely when it comes to the eating disorder bits and pieces – its behaviour is ultimately fatal so how bright can it be?

Maybe neuroses are some kind of neurological parasite, destructive to the host by its existence and uncaring about that fact as it moves through its programming?

There’s a rule in eating disorder recovery that one doesn’t discuss measurements. No weights or sizes are shared with the rank and file. It’s only and always pathological. Even when I chafe at the restriction (“I just want people to know I know I’m being pathological”), I recognize the validity.

Comparison is another tool the eating disorder uses. There are no good numbers. The eating disorder will always demand more and “better.”

My recovery felt safer when I still eschewed the scale, though a denial based on terror isn’t good for recovery. If I want to give up the scale again from a place of strength, later on, more power to me.

But I can’t give it up because I’m afraid to get on.

It’s a scale. That’s like being afraid of a toaster.

And yet.

There’s something wrong with the way we’re doing reality.

Is it surprising that individual pathologies and neuroses are on the rise when the model we’ve thrown ourselves behind is proving to be not only disastrous but hard to change?

Greed is one of our worst and most dangerous characteristics, species-wise. It’s what I felt with my eating disorder as well – it was always so greedily desperate for food.

Though there’s a difference between being greedy for survival and being greedy for excess. The latter is going to kill us all. Eating disorders are more of a solo venture.

But, once again, I digress.

*header credit: MUD Magazine

19 thoughts on “Recovery Road has too many hills – an off-the-cuff joint.

  1. I’m sorry things are difficult. Definitely know that ‘fat’ feeling and also currently scared of the scales and what they’ll show me. Recovery is relentless and exhausting and somedays it all feels too much. As you say it isn’t linear. I hope you can be kind and gentle with yourself on these difficult days. It’s an incredible hard battle and you’ve come so far 💖

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you. Grey days, stress, and fatigue are taking a toll and the easy default is neuroses. I think I’m neglecting self-care a bit – an important reminder that it isn’t really optional.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I think the majority of women will agree with you that fat is/can be a feeling. I agree with you that’s it’s easier to hyperfocus on your own perceived imperfections than deal with other stresses. Our inner psyche wants control and knows we can’t control others. I hope you’re able to attain a new level of peace and comfort soon!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks. Did you know today is the first full day of spring? I missed that it was close. I have hopes that spring will help. It’s very grey where I live, from about October on and I think in part, seasonal fatigue is setting in.
      As it happens, I told that therapist later on that saying “I feel fat” is sort of code for “I feel icky.” 😁

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I did—the news made a big deal out of it. It’s very grey here too, though we’ve had a few great sunny days the past couple weeks, so “our” spring is definitely near. I hope the sun breaks through for you soon!

        At least it was true!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. The brain is do incredibly interesting. It seems so wise – how can it also be a liar? But it can be and we have to keep a check on it. You’ve had so much stress – keep looking after you. That’s your number one job.

    Liked by 1 person

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