Slightly adrift.

Man plans and God laughs. Isn’t that how it goes? And yet, despite knowing the truth of those words, the random zigs and zags of life continue to surprise me.

I’m currently computer-free. This wasn’t a choice, like my decision to bail on social media for a spell.

“Spell” is such a nice, nostalgic word.

I’d still have my HP on my desk if it hadn’t started beeping a frantic code on start up: I worried an explosion was imminent

It’s currently visiting a nice farm upstate.

Kidding. It’s in the shop. I’d be stressed if I didn’t regularly back up my files. I was feeling quite smug until I priced new computers.

Sticker shock, untethered from routine, almost no sleep, and constant pain. And, the blackberry bush I was decapitating yesterday fought back so now the people at the grocery store will wonder who whipped me across the face. It’s been a week and a month and a season.

But I haven’t thrown up. I seem to have, cross fingers and knock on wood, at last given that up. More than a year now since I vomited in a voluntary way. I feel pretty good about that, considering I’ve had some hits I could’ve used to justify backsliding.

It’s interesting observing the ways in which I’m changing There’s still self-hatred, for instance, but it’s more distant, a habit I only half attend to now I’ve got other stuff in the priority position.

Like the near constant dissociation. I think it’s an attempt to evade the pain. Drugs aren’t helping all that much. And, whatever works, right?

Except the drifting upsets me. Sometimes, I’m more fixed to my now and reality. It’s looser these days and that feels a little weird.

And upsetting. And ridiculous.

One thing at a time.


What are some interesting coping methods you’ve come up with for problems/challenges?

Do you believe in fate, free will, or a mix?

By Em

I like writing. Words help me unpack my thoughts so things can start to make sense. Once I have both myself and the universe figured out, I plan to take up macrame. "Writing is an exploration. You start from nothing, and learn as you go." E. L. Doctorow

5 comments

  1. Why get rid of a blackberry bush???

    CongratZ on your 1-year milestone. Quite a reason to celebrate, I’d say!

    One thing at a time indeed.

    I hope your computer comes back to you good as new.

    I believe in faith and free will.

    Coping methods? Drinking is a good one. Kidding. I try not to do it too much. It’s bad for you. Or so they say. Nature and sun help me. I’d also say – habits and rituals. Find something that you might enjoy it and start doing it regularly. At first, it might take your mind off of the problem, but in the long run, it might also provide you with something productive and fun.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. If it was only one bush 😆 where there’s one, there’s 800. Plus, they bring the bears 🐻

      The computer is back and shiny. The tech couldn’t make it malfunction. Flashbacks to car problems. He spiffed it up anyhow.

      Nature and sun are good ones. I like water too. I’m thinking about adding a water something to the deck.

      Liked by 1 person

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