Mental Health

The queen of multitasking.

I used to be the queen of multitasking. I was an expert at juggling. I was a working single mom and I could do it all.

I got up before six, made breakfast for myself and packed one for my son, along with a lunch for school. I worked full-time and took on more at each job in an effort to prove myself worthy. I drove to dance lessons, swimming lessons, soccer, baseball, and parkour. I coached. I organized play dates and birthdays. I kept a house and a yard going and paid all my bills on time and maintained my friendships and did the shopping and looked after my parents when they needed help.

I took on-line classes and squeezed in a few hobbies here and there when my eating disorder permitted it. Bulimia itself is a full-time occupation. I made sure I spent a lot of my time on my son; I’ve always believed it was quantity, and not quality, that counts.

I was an achieving machine. I impressed everyone.

How times have changed.

I now do very little and my life feels manageable that way. I had one extra thing added to my schedule four times this week and I feel alarmingly overwhelmed. I feel my anxiety rising and panic pushing up. I can feel my depression pushing against the gates.

I used to thrive – or at least act like I did – on a robust schedule; now, when things start to look busy, all I feel is a sense of doom.

I no longer have the capacity to take on more than one thing at a time. I rarely manage more than one significant thing a day. I need the calm. I need to the quiet. A day with a packed schedule starts with me already anxious and by the end of the day, the sensation has become nearly unbearable. The urge to race home and hide in my room blossoms.

How did I come to this? How is it that I’m not able to juggle like I used to?

Or was it the juggling itself that was wrong?

I live life very slowly now. I do one thing at a time, always. I don’t even read in front of the television anymore. I race around nowhere. I try to do things slowly and thoughtfully. I’ve come to believe that the frenetic way I acted in the past made me more anxious and agitated, even if I thought it was necessary to accomplish three things at once because, reasons.

I try and live like this because if I don’t, in short order I start to feel overwhelmed. For a long time, I’ve berated myself for this. Why can’t you be the person you used to be? It occurred to me recently, however, and only recently because sometimes insights are slow to come, that I was sick when I was living that way. My eating disorder and depression were through the roof and floor and the only reason I was fighting to accomplish so much was that my self-esteem was in the toilet and I believed that I had to prove myself of value every moment of every day.

I’m also doing it because I’ve come to believe it’s the best way to live. Do one thing at a time and give that one thing your focused attention. Do one thing at a time because a singular focus helps with improving execution. Do one thing at a time because it helps you stay in the moment and that’s a good place to be; the moment is all we have after all.

In the early days of working on my recovery, I took my inability to take on a multiplicity of tasks as a sign of continued failure. I’m looking at it now as a good thing. Something that perhaps everyone could strive for. So many of us move to fast, and take on too much. And for what, exactly?

I asked myself that question recently. It was in a book. And I realized, I didn’t have any good answers. I can’t come up with a single reason why filling every moment and stacking tasks is necessary. Very few enjoy it, after all. Almost all of us complain when we live like that and yet we keep doing it for reasons that we can’t articulate or goals that are transitory or ultimately irrelevant.

Now that I’m a few years in to recovery, I’m starting to think it’s the better way to live. Slower, thoughtfully, and no juggling required.

Are you a multitasker?

18 thoughts on “The queen of multitasking.”

  1. Thank you for writing this post. I’ve been having similar realisations this week – I’ve noticed I can no longer push myself through things in the way I once could, and at first I saw this as a sign of being less motivated and determined than I used to be, but lately I’ve seen it’s a part of getting well and responding to my needs. And I am trying really hard to stop any last remnants of mult-tasking too!

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    1. Good for you. I really am coming to believe it’s better. What are we racing for? There’s no ribbon at the end of our lives to reward us for getting so many things done all at once 🙂

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  5. I hate that so much of our value is tied to task completion and busyness. I am getting better at saying no and just being. I should not and do not have to feel guilty for luxuriating in being in the moment with no goal or purpose other than be. Or another angle- am I comfortable being still in my own skin. Getting there…. thanks for posting

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    1. Thanks for commenting :-). I agree with the “comfortable in my own skin”. That’s a hard one. Some is internal, for sure, but some is definitely societal pressures.

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  7. I used to be in this hiking group. The others in the group liked to hike really fast and get it done. For a while I did the same, not wanting to lag behind. After a while, though, I found that accomplishing the distance was the only pleasure I gained. I was missing the joy of spending time immersed in the world of the woods, which was one of the things I loved best. So, I quit that group and now I mostly hike with those of a like mind. We look for wildflowers, and animals, and bugs. We notice what’s going on with the trees. We breathe in the air and remember to exhale. We talk and take pictures and gaze at waterfalls. I may not do the distance I used to do, or may do it in a longer period of time. Sometimes we cut it short and go find someplace to have a meal or drink, and talk and laugh. It really is a better way….and hiking is fun again.

    All that to say, I think you’ve found your point of bliss or are well on your way.

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    1. Thank you. I really enjoyed it. The insight that it’s not multitasking exactly, but task switiching was good – it suggests a course of action for me. And, I liked the definitions about mindfulness and meditation and the differences therein. Thank you for sharing it.

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  9. Your article gave me the answer I needed. I wa doing well a couple of years after my divorce when suddenly I lost it. I really feel overwhelmed and depressed most of the time and at first I thought it was just because I am tired since I am a working single mom. But I realized that I don’t really have time for myself. Monday to Sunday is work-kid-chores-swimming-piano-parents-family-work. Period. I started my own blog to help me get through this. I wrote a lot back in highschool and college and I really miss writing about anything so I hope going back to my hobby would lessen my stress and anxiety. Thank you for writing what I needed to be reminded of.

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    1. You’re welcome. I’m glad it was helpful. It is so hard to be a single parent; time for yourself becomes a fond memory. I’m glad you’ve found something for yourself. Thank you for commenting. Have a truly fantastic day.

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