somedays, i want to eat everything. it’s the only thing that will help, at least that’s what my eating disorder likes to tell me.

you should eat. you haven’t eaten very much. it’s okay to go off your eating plan. how can you be normal if you can’t even have a bowl of chips? eat a few cherries; what will it hurt?

the answer is, it can hurt a lot. it can cause a lot of harm if i give into that voice and go ahead with what seems like an innocent snack but is actually the precursor to a binge. it’s not this conversation in particular that’s so bad, it’s the one that comes next, the one that pushes me over the cliff after i do what i’m told.

you ate so much. i can’t believe you ate a whole bowl of chips; you’ve completely blown it now. you failed. and you’re going to get fat. you’re already fat and this will make it worse. this is disgusting, you’re disgusting. you may as well just give up and eat everything now and throw it all up. you’re such a failure.

my eating disorder doesn’t like me very much, even if sometimes she pretends that she does. it’s all a ruse, all a way maintain control, all very carrot-and-stick.

lunch was a bit difficult today. i didn’t want to eat at all, but skipping meals definitely isn’t part of the eating recovery plan. i eat. period. three pieces of toast today, one with peanut butter, one with jam, and one with butter, and a side of twenty cherries. i still monitor quantities very closely. too little is as much of a problem is too much. it’s probably not the best, most nutritious meal in the world. it’s carb heavy and protein light but that seems to be the mix that i like best. unfortunately, while i was making it, i was dealing with that voice.

three pieces doesn’t mean that tiny piece from the end as well. how many calories are in that? don’t butter each piece. you don’t need butter with jam or peanut butter; remember how you used to eat dry toast? it tasted fine. not so much peanut butter; that looks like way more than a tablespoon. less jam! it’s just a scraping; that’s a portion. don’t pile it on. you should remember to work out today.

it’s not the food that’s really the problem though. as it happens, i’m a bit anxious, a bit distressed. family issues; my daughter is going through a difficult time that i wish i could fix for her with a snap of my fingers. i can’t though and that leads to feelings of frustration, ineffectiveness, and anger, which are a little triggering. enough so that my emotional distress lets my eating disorder pop up to play.

i don’t like that my automatic and instinctive response to emotional and anxiety-laden situations is to default to eating disorder behaviour, but i’m kind of chuffed over the fact that i didn’t listen, i didn’t binge or purge, and i figured out what was eating me before i ate everything else.

(july 11, 2018)