I’ve too much to say and nothing to say at the exact same time. I’m full of feelings and empty as well. I’m going through the motions, but everything feels a little bit false, and a little bit empty.

I feel like I’m trapped in amber, separated from the world and her brother, and unable to escape. I want to emerge and connect again in a “sort of” kind of way, but I can’t figure out my moves, and motivation is a fickle thing.

Unfortunately, nothing changes if nothing changes. Mostly.  

It would be nice if we could hire a company to show up and give us the occasional kick in the pants. I need a drill sergeant of the moderate variety. I need my mother to tell me to get going. It’s grief over her loss as I navigate this first anniversary that is enervating me, however, so that’s unlikely.

I wasn’t inspired by the new year and the changing of the calendar. I never am, it’s a whole, “clocks and calendars are somewhat artificial and forced” thing.

I’m looking down instead of contemplating the horizon, and when you stare at your feet, the view never changes or improves.

There are positives. I did a job of self-care throughout December, and I also gave myself grace when I fell short. It still feels strange, giving myself a break. And while there are small bits of forward movement and embracing of life, I feel somewhat stalled.

I need an outward focus. I thought for a minute I might try working on some form of outside work, but then I missed an appointment and the guilt crashed my mood for two solid days, reminding me that I remain a little bit mentally fragile. It’s fine, but not something you wish on an employer.

I miss my cat. It’s been about six months since she died. I have no pets currently, and that’s different for me. Pets are a good thing. They slow the navel-gazing some. You have someone else to think about when making decisions and choices.  

I like cats. I also like dogs. I’ve not had the latter as an adult – I didn’t think it would have been fair as it would’ve been alone much of the time, but that’s different now. I’ve decided to get a dog this time. A young adult rescue is the age and type I’m looking at. I’m not in a puppy phase right now. I like other people’s puppies.

Applying for dogs is a somewhat stressful activity – I don’t enjoy being rejected. I’ve applied twice so far, both young adult female German Shepherd crosses. Fingers crossed that this most recent application goes my way. [1]

The process is simple – you scour the website until you find a dog that appeals and looks like a good match. It’s important to be honest about who you are. I stumbled across a lovely-looking Labrador on the site, but it weighed the same as me. That’s more dog than I’m looking for.

Midsize – fifteen to forty kilograms – is the size I had in mind. The two dogs I’ve applied for have both been Shepherd-crosses, and they fit into that range.

We had a German Shepherd-Collie cross when I was young. His name was Louis, and I adored him. He was a clever fellow, and a good guy to have around on rambles, especially through the woods. This is another thing motivating my move towards dog ownership – added safety in various situations.

I’ve been researching dog ownership. I’ve been researching rescue dogs in particular: they have different needs than puppies. I’ve been looking into training and watching videos on being a good dog owner. Dog ownership has a lot of moving parts, and I want to ensure I don’t miss any. I want to do a good job.

Information and education are how I role. I read the car manuals. You should’ve seen my pregnancy and childbirth collection. I was an expert. I like to know everything about what I’m getting involved with. It’s a combination of curiosity and anxiety. A dog is a new thing for me as an adult and I don’t want to do a bad job. A dog is a responsibility in a way a cat is not.

A dog needs you in a way a cat doesn’t. It’s nice to be needed. A dog is also a connection to the world. Dogs make you go out, and this is a good thing, especially when you’re someone like me with a tendency towards agoraphobia and staying in. When you’re ambivalent about leaning into the world, something that forces the issue is probably a win.

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[1] Shortly after finishing this, my phone rang. I have a meet-and-greet with the dog this afternoon. If all goes well, she comes home with me.

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