Mental Health

Depression and squirrels.

One of the frustrating features of my depression is the destruction of my ability to concentrate and stay on task. I’m good at both things when my mental health is stable, but when it’s not, I struggle. I feel like a ping pong ball thrown hard against a closet wall, bouncing wildly and randomly within the confines of my life.

For a bit.

When I’m depressed I’m all about the squirrel.

We don’t have brown squirrels. Grey and black.

When my depression is active, I start wondering if I’m also blessed with ADHD. I have no symptoms other than the destroyed ability to stay on task (a feature of depression), but when I’m depressed, I become a bit of a hypochondriac.

I also become bovine.

I ruminate. Usually catastrophically, often turning the people in my life into monsters who are deliberately trying to make me feel awful. It’s another feature of my depression and annoyingly unwelcome. I prefer thoughts that are an attack of self rather than the weird, conspiracy thinking depression encourages.

Even if I do find people shockingly selfish as a matter of course.

That’s not depression. That’s experience and knowledge of the self. Mostly, we’re only as good as we’re minimally required to be.

It’s a deep wound, it festers, and it last a long time.

I’ve not had poetry in my soul for some time. I’ve heard that poetry is like math – the best years are your younger adult ones. At any rate, I’d not been feeling poetic when out of the blue, a haiku sprang fully formed into my small head.[i]

Why do you linger?
Release your suctioned death grip.
The last bear is mine.

I keep a jar full of gummy candy on my desk. It’s empty now because I’ve not been shopping, but the last, green, gummy bear (Haribo) wouldn’t come out the other day, and it pissed me off. I wanted it. A lot. The jar mouth is too small for my hand, and I didn’t want to walk the ten steps to the kitchen. I shook it with no effect for some time, up until the haiku occurred to me.

I grabbed a pen and scribbled it down on a Post-it.

Then I used the pen to stab me a bear.

I didn’t know this song until the “Barbie” trailer and now I play it near-constantly.
I’m channelling Meredith Brooks.
Fine line between pun and dad joke.
I’m an Apple.
Because I like it.
It was time to clean the desktop again.

[i] That one was accidental. I noticed it proofreading.

12 thoughts on “Depression and squirrels.”

  2. When I’m overworked/overwhelmed, I feel like I have ADHD too–there’s so many things that need my attention, I don’t know where to start and can’t focus long on one thing. I think that’s normal though, right? ::shrug:: Normal is overrated.

    Interesting: You have grey and black squirrels and we have brown and grey ones.

    Great haiku! I usually find them disjointed and only making sense to the writer, but once you explained the “bear” you wrote about, all became clear!

    I dig it when you clean out some of your memes–they are fun, and your comments are usually funny or enlightening!

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    1. I think it’s normal too – my tendency to hypochondria amuse me at this stage, especially because in that regard, I don’t myself too seriously.

      We’re all a little ridiculous at times.

      The first time I found out squirrels came in other colours, I was shocked. It’s funny how we assume our normal is everyones.

      So many catch the eye and call to be saved, but them I’m like, now what? At least I don’t print them…anymore 😂

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  3. It’s late. I can’t go to the store and get gummies. What have you done to me?! Have you had Albanese gummies? Haribo used to be my favorite but Albanese are softer and more gummy-like and less plasticky. I haven’t had any in a while. A jar of gummies on your desk? Dangerous.

    ‘Make your own kind of music’ – completely forgot about this tune. It was something I listened to A LOT at a certain point in my life. Memories came flooding in. Mostly good. But just so weird to hear it again. So familiar, so forgotten.

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    1. No, I haven’t. I’ll check ’em out. I also like Maynard’s wine gums.

      I’d forgotten the song too, until the Barbie trailer. It’s weird how much we forget. We’d think love would keep memories active, but no, everything eventually fades. Except ABBA.

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