It’s been a rough week. I’d been getting a little thin, so I thought I’d gain a little weight. I didn’t talk to anyone beforehand, of course. At any rate, I’ve gained some, but between working on my body dysmorphia and a strained effort at reconnection by my daughter (I can hear my counsellor’s voice, “why are you giving her this much power over you,” and I have no idea), I’m a bit triggered.

So the weight gain mostly happened via five nights of holiday binging. I’m not happy. My guts aren’t happy.

I’m spiralling a bit. I’m uncomfortable with these new pounds that get me up to a number that is still a good ten pounds underweight, a number itself that fills me with dread.

The spiralling and the worry about the numbers on my scale remind me that there’s more to recovery than being vomit-free – though being able to once again weigh myself is a win. For years, scales were too triggering to contemplate.

On the heels of that realization is the realization that today is Monday. My son’s birthday is done and dusted and the lasagna I made was delicious. I’m also reminded of why I don’t make lasagna very often. It’s a lot of work and a rather expensive meal. So long, huge block of cheese. Thanks for your service.

At least moving a lasagna is exercise. Those things are heavy.

Because I’m a bit triggered, I seek distractions, so more old meme review occurred. As I poked through this file and that – I’m a digital hoarder but I remain tidy – I realized something. The memes were better in the early days of internet exchanges. I don’t think this is, “when I was young I walked to school barefoot in the snow, uphill both ways” kind of thinking. I think mems were qualitatively better. The medium was new and people were creative. Now, most are new text dumped onto screen grabs.

Though it turns out I don’t like Happy Bunny as much as I once did. That Leporidae is just mean, most of the time. These t-shirts, however, are the bomb.

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