My mom died on January 4, 2024, and we’re approaching that time. Autumn is when things got really hard. Autumn is when she started talking about ending treatment. Side effects are a hellscape sometimes.
I find I’m spinning my wheels a bit as the anniversary beckons. Much of my movement these days is lateral. My ‘give a damn’ is a bit broken. Unless you cut me off in traffic. Then you get all my attention and rage.
I remind myself to be grateful that I’ve not seriously backslid into old behaviours. Relapse is always on the table when you’re in recovery, no matter the escape technique of choice, and it’s hard to not give in when you’ve spent a lifetime running from pain.
Eating disorders are many things, and one of those things is avoidance.
I’m struggling with my eating of late, just a little bit. My food world is getting smaller. I’m starting to reject foods quite often, and that’s a very big, “Danger, Will Robinson” moment. I’m indulging in my feelings of revulsion and disgust a little too much.
Eating disorders are sneaky. They try to make ‘will not’ seem like ‘can’t.’
It’s not a good idea to let your world get small, no matter the reason. Small seems safe, but that’s a lie.
I’m not looking forward to this first holiday season without my mom. Christmas was her thing. She loved everything about it: the decorating, the gift-giving, and the snow; the baking, the cooking, and the big family meal.
I don’t have the heart to take it on in her stead. I also don’t want to. I want to give the seasonal noise a pass this year.
I hear the Cayman Islands are lovely in December. Where would you go?
From Famine to Feast. 
I’m so sorry you’re struggling with grief this time of year. It’s understandable that your eating disorder is creeping up on you, because that’s your weak spot. I hope you won’t let it fully grasp you though.
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Thank you. I’m pushing back.
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Are you telling me that you are no longer eating chocolate every day? I think that you definitely need to eat at least one piece of chocolate every single day, just like you’re staying in a hotel. I don’t know what the solution is, but you had mentioned treating yourself to meals out occasionally. Perhaps that’s the answer? If you are eating a meal in front of others, will you be more likely to feel accountable?
I get in eating ruts, though I’ve never had an eating disorder. I’ll eat the same thing for days, weeks, or sometimes months on end and then I’ll eventually get sick of it and move onto something else. I’m told this is an autistic trait.🤷🏼♀️
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I like the comfort of predictable food as well. I have heard mention that it’s common with autism, and also with sensory processing issues. I’m also content with the same things.
I’m thinking I’m going to go back to the Hello, Fresh! meal delivery kits for a bit. Regain the habit of food preparation and eating.
Perhaps I’ll go to the mall and buy myself a box of nice chocolates.
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DO IT!!! Then report back.
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As for the grief, I’m not far behind you. Christmas is going to be hard this year for both of us. In some ways, I want to honor her, but in others, I just want to skip the whole thing because I know it’s going to hurt. The one positive thing is that time will continue to march on and we will get through it. Sending you love, like always.
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I’m sorry you’re walking in grief too, though I find it helps to know I’m not alone. It’s comforting when people speak your language.
I’m absolutely convinced of my decision to skip the holidays, do it, skip it every day. I’m amazed how grief fries the decision-making circuits.
We’ve got this, I know, but oh, how I wish we didn’t have to.
Big hugs. Lots of love.
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Yes, before my mom passed, I was a decision-making machine, and now I’d just rather not. Everything exhausts me. I feel like my compass is in a free spin and I can’t pick a direction to save myself. I have faith this will pass, but it sure does suck—though, you are right that it is strangely and awfully comforting to know others are walking this same path and that we, unfortunately, speak each other’s language of grief.
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January 13th is the date of a significant anniversary to me (my best friend died of cancer). Im 4 years in, but it only felt real to me this January. You know what I also have an ED, you need to know that what youre doing here is something to be very proud of because if you are allowing yourself to feel it, you’re doing much better than I did and through that, I know the strength that you’re putting into every single day. I guess thats the advice Id give myself 4 years ago. It gets worse, if you try to run.
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I’m sorry for your loss. The hole they leave is hard to get used to.
Thank you for your kind words – I’m sorry you’re a member of the ED crew. Worst club ever 💜
It’s good advice – my default is avoidance, but I’m trying to do this differently.
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