I’m not great with quotes. The problem is one of memory: perhaps I’ll go Memento on the problem and tattoo them onto my legs – elsewhere is occupied and I can’t read my back. I don’t remember quotes but give me a commercial, and I’m golden.

The addition of music fixes much.

I’m going to go a little “walk to school uphill both ways in the snow” and suggest that the commercials and jingles of my formative years – the eighties – were superior to those they’ve got playing now.

I can tell you about Oscar Meyer’s bologna, but I don’t remember the jingles from this millennium. They’re mostly not things of beauty.

One of my favourite commercials was the McDonald’s menu jingle. It was a catchy listing of everything on offer – almost – and you could walk arm-in-arm with your friends around the schoolyard chanting it, as a random example.

Big Mac, Filet-o-Fish, Quarter Pounder, French fries,
Icy Coke, thick shake, sundaes, and apple pies.

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The great thing about an earworm like that one is that you can fill it up with other things. The structure and rhythm are burned into my brain, so I can sub out the words for new ones and still make it to the end error-free. That’s a great quality in a mnemonic:

Hydrogen, helium, lithium, beryillium,
Boron, carbon, nitrogen, and apple pies (or oxygen. You do you.)

It also works as a template. I can fill it with answers to questions, like ones about what skills I’d like to learn. To be fair, the question’s usually phrased in the singular – “What do you want to be when you grow up” is a popular example from the same category – but I don’t know that we need to be limited in that way.

Life isn’t “one and done.”

There are scads of interesting possible life plans out there. The world’s full of things to learn and skills to acquire. I’m in my fifth decade, so I’m not skill-deficient, but I definitely don’t have a handle on them all. I never could manage water skiing. Small feet, weak upper body, and too easy to quit.

I wouldn’t mind some more not-skiing skills – I’m not great on snow either. I like being well-rounded, save through the hips. I think a Renaissance education is better than the narrow one societies currently offer. We should all know more about much.

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The problem with new skills is the process of acquiring. I don’t like the awkward and clumsy early years. I want to be a guitar player, I don’t want to learn. I want finger calluses and riffs preinstalled from the first moment of contemplation. I want to be a savant across the board. It’s not that I’m a slow learner, it’s just that I’m a bit lazy. It’s the human in me.

I like getting tickets. That’s what my dad calls certifications. High school diploma – ticket. University degree – ticket. Bartending course – ticket. First Aid course – ticket. Royal Conservatory Piano exams – ticket. TOEFL – ticket.

Happiness is a certificate with caligraphy and a gold seal.

I keep them in a folder in my to-go accordion file. The one you put together with all your important papers – will, financial stuff, tickets, kid’s first drawings, computer memory sticks (photos) – and leave in a handy, grab-and-go location in the case of an emergency.

I learned that while acquiring my Wills and Estates ticket.

But what kinds of new skills should I add? Computer? Fencing – board or epee? The possibilities are nearly infinite – the world’s a big place with lots of stuff. Are we talking about work skills? Home skills? Crafty skills? Musical skills? I’m not a fan of vague. It doesn’t work for me: I’m about scaffolding and structure. I need requirements. How else can you tell if you’re doing it right?

And adopting one theoretical new skill feels shortsighted – how about two of each instead?

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Surgeon, architect, wallpaper, arborist, 
Macrame, woodwork, drum kit, and guitar.

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