Resilience and fragility – an off-the-cuff joint.

I hope this finds you well. I miss this world. I miss all my worlds, but this is one of the characteristics of depression – a wholesale withdrawal.

There’s also the depression. Being depressed isn’t all that conducive to action.

I’m not in a great headspace these days. I’m fragile. I react badly to obstacles or things that don’t go well or as planned, and that includes the thoughts swirling around my brain, which are seldom pleasant of late.

Paranoiac imaginings about the people in my circle are centre-stage these days. I think this has been exacerbated by my daughter’s behaviour.

I got in touch almost a month ago now, to have her pick up her things. I’ve been storing them for more than a year, and it hurts me to see them. We arranged a time, I got everything ready, and then she ghosted me.

In case you’re unaware, she did that more than a year ago, for reasons I disagree with. But, her choice. Being abusive towards me is also apparently her choice.

She got in touch again this week, we arranged another time, and she ghosted me again. This is very hard on my brain and emotions, and the impact of these things on my emotional resilience has been severe.

In that it’s a little trashed.

I think that’s why dark thoughts find it easy to take up space when my depression is ascendent – my internal defense mechanisms are offline.

Though it’s a good thing I don’t have superpowers – my dark thoughts also tend towards the revenge-y for the imagined slights that my depression nurses with a fabulous sense of grievance.

Everything sucks. Sleep is the only time I really enjoy – everything else feels like a great deal of work. So, I don’t do them, and then I feel like a lazy failure.

If depression can’t get you from one angle, it finds another. Negative self-talk is one of its special gifts.

Everyone should have the Alexander books by Judith Viorst.

Have you read “Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day?” I went to bed with metaphoric gum in my mouth and in addition to getting ghosted, I broke a tooth. A tooth I’d spent nearly a thousand dollars on a month ago and now it’ll have to come out.


Anyhow, I’ve blocked my daughter, and I feel very guilty about that. But I’m tired of getting jerked around.

I’m struggling to deal with my depression, and that’s hard to deal with, but deciding not to be a sadly-abused doormat anymore in my dealings with my daughter is something I can do.

This song’s all over TikTok as well – big fun if lip-syncing is your jam.

8 thoughts on “Resilience and fragility – an off-the-cuff joint.

  1. I’m sorry things are so tough. Depression is horrific, just surviving it is a massive achievement. I hope you’re able to access counselling or other support. I’ve always found it helpful to have someone unrelated to offload on. I’m sorry your daughter is abusive that must be really painful. You don’t deserve to be treated that way. Well done for taking action. Sending love and prayers that this episode will pass quickly and the light will break through again 💖

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Ugh. I’m sorry you’re still struggling so much—I hope you find the reins and make your life YOUR bitch again soon.

    To that end, a suggestion for your daughter. Tell her she has until [insert a date and time] to pick up her stuff [insert place], and if she fails to do so, you will be donating it all to charity. Then follow through. Take your power back in an even stronger way, and get her shit outta your face.

    Hang in there, sweets…summer is coming!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. I needed to hear that. This morning I’ve had computer and wifi problems and that generally reduces me to rage and tears.

      I will follow up with that advice. She’s hurting me on purpose, kind of, and I should stop letting that happen. It’s not good for either of us.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m so sorry. How terrible to be ghosted twice. Blocking seems like a good idea to protect your space as you are finding your way back up. The way you describe depression is so very tangible – and the multi-approach attack. Damn, that’s hard. Holding space that it lets up soon.


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