I’m blue.


I’m not sure I have a favourite colour, though I always choose green when it comes to game pieces and everyone knows that.

My affection for green was born at the house on Valemont. My bedroom there had green carpet. My bedroom there remains the best room I’ve ever had.

My mother put wallpaper up that looked like bamboo, with vines and yellow flowers twining through it, and hung yellow, semi-sheer, cotton curtains. I had a white dresser and nightstand, like most young girls in the nineteen-eighties, and a hanging lamp that picked up the tropical vibe.

I loved it. It was my safe space at a time when the world outside my house got very unsafe indeed.

Eleven wasn’t a good year for me.

I think about that room when people ask me about my favourite colour. It was in no way monochromatic, and yet it is my favourite colour. I think it’s the vibe.

It was a calming, soothing space. It felt safe.

Plus, I could climb into my bedroom from the back deck, if I wanted to be sneaky, or if I was running late.

What? I was in my room the whole time.

Black is a favoured wardrobe choice, but mostly because when one hates oneself, invisibility is in. Black makes you feel looked over, which is necessary until you get to perfect. This is one of the things you have to do in eating disorder recovery. Buy clothes that fit. Buy things with colour. Buy things you like.

The last one is killer. You don’t like anything. Mostly because it’s destined for you and you and yourself aren’t very friendly towards one another.

You take baby steps. I started adding other darks. I prefer blue to most of them, although charcoal grey has its uses. Blue, however, has a lot of iterations. It’s also flexible – like black, it goes with much and moves through the seasons with ease.

I told you I was blue. I also like the updated version. See below.

I have serious love for this song. So fun to dance to.

11 thoughts on “I’m blue.

  1. Of course I started singing the Eiffel 65 song the moment I saw your title. Who wouldn’t?

    I pick green pawns in games, too, but it’s not my favorite color. (It’s up there, though.)

    Your old room sounds lovely. Quite sophisticated and exclusive for such an era, I’d say. My room walls were white up until the second half of my teenage years when I managed to get them painted blue.

    Black clothing – I never saw that as an invisible color. People always seem to notice my black clothing. Maybe it’s because of my complexion… Living in a climate where people wear flowery prints all year round makes it even more difficult. I had to slowly work on reinventing my wardrobe so as not to draw attention lol.

    I discovered David and Bebe’s remix only a few months ago and it seems that it’s all the rage among people that I hang out with. I feel relevant, which doesn’t happen very often. Woohoo!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. It’s always good to feel like “part of it” again. My kids let me believe it’s true.

      It really was. My mom did a good job on making a home.

      Yeah, black wouldn’t blend in at sunshine-y locations. I live on the wet coast, so dreary turns into the landscape 🤣

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I love the sound of your “forest-ey” bedroom and like most that you felt so safe in it. I’ve never seen a room with green carpet, that must have been really cool. I can relate to wearing a lot of black, I too want to be ‘unnoticed’ in black clothes until I find myself “worthy enough” (weight based) to wear what I really want. Until then, black pants and black top it is. Sigh.

    Liked by 1 person

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