I love a good quote. I wish I remembered them for longer than seconds.
My mother has the kind of lung cancer that’s not going to get better. Living through this is probably the hardest thing I’ll ever have to do. I’ve lived in the aftermath of sudden death, but I’ve never walked the path with someone when the end is guaranteed.
Philosophically and pedantically speaking (philosophy is often pedantic), we’re all walking the path of mortality. My mother’s end, however, is more imminent than most of us imagine ours to be.
We all cope with grief in different ways. Some of us carry on as usual, pretending that the really big thing isn’t happening as we have stilted conversations that dance around the new terror in our reality.
I’ll take suppression and denial for two hundred, Alex.
I tried pushing bleak reality for a while, but it’s not kind to make people face what they’re not ready to face.
I’d be smug about facing reality myself but the chaos inside my house would call me a liar. The busy work keeps my brain away from places I’d rather it not go. The constant attempts at renovation and organizational perfection also not only denial but the expenditure of energy, a good thing since I seem to have tapped into an infinite source.
Nothing fuels like anger.
Add to the busy work an online course, daily exercise, and a (faint) personal life, and you get a full schedule except I haven’t included my parents. Thank god the thought of work still brings on a panic attack.
I don’t have the time.
The same holds true for writing: who has the time? Though I did find time to scrape out the chest freezer (it didn’t need it) and move furniture around the house to create better flow.
Another benefit of all this physicality is a flaring up of my arthritis. Let’s hear it for the numbing effects of pain meds.
Time again to revisit and scavenge from the past. The old journal I’ve been revisiting holds more than poetry, however. I used the back half to write down inspirational quotes for posterity.
Who knew posterity was a bin in the basement?