Burritos and saunas.

I’m hungry. I tell myself I shouldn’t be hungry, that I haven’t been hungry for lunch in quite some time. I’m hungry despite the argument.

I have frozen burritos.

They’re a bit of a pain in terms of work. Fruit is easier, but it’s not what I want.

Lie. It’s not what I need. I need more protein in my life, and fruit is lacking. I decide on two. I want one and a half, but they come in whole portions: what’re you going to do? They’re also frozen. And raw. If raw, refried beans are a thing.

All I wanted was lunch, but here I am, “cooking.”  My life is hard: I have to flip them at thirty-second intervals, or they don’t thaw well.

After two minutes, they’re ready for the toaster oven. I like my tortillas crisp. The two-step process makes me feel like a real chef.

I’m getting hungrier. I remind myself that I ate breakfast, I had lots of food yesterday, and my energy expenditure has been minimal. My hunger is unmoved – it isn’t logical.

I think it’s a shame we can’t consciously access energy stores. [i]

The toaster dings, but they’re too hot to eat instantly – multiple tongue-burns have driven that home – so I grab a handful (four) of pretzels and make a mental note I’ll forget to add them to the shopping list.

I think about cooling the burritos in the fridge. I’m on a schedule. I’m hungry, but I also want to take a sauna to soothe my aches: it’ll be ready for entry in about ten minutes. I need the burritos done by then. I could eat them in the sauna, I suppose, but that would conflict with the planned meditating.

I don’t consider changing the schedule. I should have planned better, schedule-wise, but I can be rigid once things get rolling.

I hope the electrical fire of last week isn’t a problem.

The fire was not my fault: I simply replace a burned-out light bulb. It’d been absent since I got the sauna eight or so years back. I never needed it, but the spring-cleaning bug is active: fixing up absent lightbulbs seemed appropriate.

In it went, and I flicked the switch. Then, crack! and pop! and sparks, and smoke. Upon investigating, I found the relevant wires had been damaged and taped back up by the previous owner. It would’ve been nice if they’d mentioned that.

The other problem with the burritos, besides the hot, is the lack of dip. I used to like Dijon mustard, but I’ve gone off it. Salsa would be excellent, but I don’t have any that isn’t mango-based. [ii] Chipotle mayo is absent from the fridge. I tried using queso as a dip a few days ago – that was a big mistake. Throwing them out really set me back on my “don’t waste food” resolution.

I’m worried about my bills. Pain is expensive. The sauna and the hot water tank are getting a lot of use. So is my heating pad. But I need help, and there’s an upper limit for medication and marijuana. The nice people at the electric and gas companies will just have to deal.

At least I don’t feel like a crazy person today. More than usual, I mean. It’s the validation. It lifts a weight off the soul. My therapists think my pain is pain. I was starting to worry. I started thinking maybe I am just a hysterical woman with a low pain threshold and a desperate thirst for attention. [iii]

In an, “avoiding all attention” kind of way.

But they believe the test results. They believe me.

The relief is enormous.

It’s a gift. I’m lucky I have people in my life who listen. I’m lucky I have people who hear.

They aren’t the same. The difference explains the mango salsa.

Do you have a good listener in your life?
Are you a good listener? Do you hear?

[i] This is eating disorder thinking. I don’t need to eat because my body carries fat stores: I don’t need to eat because I ate before. The thoughts seem logical to those of us on the inside but I suspect they might not to those not afflicted.

Much is better as I work on my recovery, but my brain still thinks in odd ways as the first choice. Especially when I’m under pressure or in distress. When life is hard, it’s easy to drift back to the familiar. I do know, however, that not much good would come from adding an eating disorder flare-up to my pain problem.

[ii] Mango salsa is gross. I will die on this hill.

[iii] An old accusation. It still burns.

9 thoughts on “Burritos and saunas.

  1. Why not get the burritos you just toss into the oven and you pull them out once they’re ready? I mean, sure, you have to preheat the oven (annoying), but no silly flipping or assembly is required.

    Scheduling issues are also ones I encounter when it comes to food, so I hear ya.

    You have your own personal sauna? How cool is that?!

    Mango salsa? I remember being out at a restaurant recently and looking at something that sounded delicious (don’t remember what) but it had MANGO SALSA. WTF? Supposedly it works well with the other flavors it comes with. Ehhh, still not convinced.

    I went to Chipotle recently and got a bowl with a tortilla on the side because I like tearing it up and making mini burritos for myself. Turns out, they now charge 25c for those. That’s nothing, but I probably won’t go back anytime soon out of principle. How do you eat a burrito (even if it’s a bowl) without the tortilla???

    A good listener in my life? I think I’m the designated listener. I find it hard to find one that fits my needs but I think the fact that I don’t like spilling my guts does not help. I like to think I’m a good listener. I’ve been told that, too.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Having your own sauna is cool, not going to lie. Sometime Craigslist provides a win.

      People will tell you mango salsa goes with everything. They’ll say the flavours are harmonious. DON’T BE FOOLED 😂

      I bet you are a good listener, you have that vibe. You pay attention. Unfortunately, it’s my experience that those people usually have a hard time finding someone to return the favour.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Is it the infra red sauna? But that one doesn’t require lightbulbs. Hmmm. I didn’t think other saunas were portable. I’m a sauna enthusiast but don’t get to go often.

        I think I’ve heard “harmonious” as a description, too. I refuse.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. It’s the infrared but it has outside lights, inside lights, and chromatherapy lights. Screaming good Craigslist purchase from a retiring hockey player. It lives in my bedroom 🙂

          Liked by 1 person

        2. Ideally, I would have a rock one outdoors, but this has been great. I’m not about the “magic” of infrared. It’s just a nice hot box that soothes the aches.

          Liked by 1 person

    1. It seems to me that analyzing what we do automatically makes us a little bit better than the people who never think about the way they do things. I bet you’re good. I try too but impatience can be a killer. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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