Why isn’t what I do “living a life”? Because I don’t consider it to be.
I’m always vaguely apologetic when people ask “what do you do?” I shuffle and deflect and respond that I don’t do much, I kind of write, sort of, it’s nothing really. I dismiss how I spend my days and give the impression that writing isn’t really that important to me.
This self-deprecation is a long-standing habit, in point of fact. It’s self-protection. Don’t let them see where you’re vulnerable. And writing is a potential sore spot; I’m still quite invested in other people’s opinions. I don’t want to be judged and found wanting so I don’t want anyone to know.
It is not, mostly, a paid gig. I make some money from editing; I make some money from contests. It doesn’t pay the bills. I don’t actually do anything to make a living. I am on long-term disability for depression and other issues. An insurance company subsidizes my life now. I worry about it some – the disability coverage ends at sixty-five. After that, I’m on my own and my plan to win the lottery has yet to show signs of success.
But regardless of how I answer, it’s the question itself that leaves me feeling miserable. It’s not that I don’t do things, it’s that I don’t think they’re particularly valuable or worthy. The word “just” figures predominantly in my descriptions. I just write. I just do a little drawing. I’m just working on a book. All in a vaguely apologetic tone, as though I should be sorry that I’m not a well-paid captain of industry.
I realized this morning that part of the problem is standards and part of the problem is definitional. The first is the double standards I apply. I evaluate myself with a much harsher and more exacting set of criteria than I set for others and I haven’t spent all that much time dismantling them. I’ve simply learned to live with the feelings of vague disquiet and marginal disappointment in myself.
The second problem is definitional. What is a successful life, anyhow? What makes a life worth living? Am I applying those definitions to myself?
I never gave much thought to the future. It wasn’t something I thought about, except in abstract terms. They didn’t teach us “planning your life” in school. We didn’t learn that choices matter, time passes faster than you think, and if you don’t set your own definitions, the world will provide them and you may not like the ones they give you.
A successful life can be many things. It depends on what you value as a person, what you believe other people value, and how much you decide their opinions matter. In my head somewhere, there is a belief that financial success is important. That I should be doing “better”, financially speaking. After all, I was a smart girl. I went to school. That I felt out of sync and in trouble most of the time is irrelevant. Financial success feels like something I’m supposed to have and want.
Status too. Status is sort of implied in the “what do you do” question. The answer “I’m a store clerk” would be seen as an unsatisfactory role for someone of my age and apparently socio-economic status. I feel the pressure to have status. To have measurable, demonstrable achievements that show my “place” in the world. To have a quantifiable ranking that can be used to make comparisons.
I feel the drives. They are the unspoken rules I lived with. I don’t want them to be my values and drives. But, unless and until I sort out my own definitions, I’m doomed to use other’s. Based on the parameters I’ve been encouraged, no matter how subconsciously, to venerate, wealth and status, my life is kind of a failure.
I like to think I hold other things in higher regard. I like to think that I consider other qualities more characteristic of a good life. I like to think that I don’t believe we are defined by what we do for work. I believe that for myself, financial success is having enough to get by without feeling deprived. Yes, I love to fantasize about the life of the idle rich but as long as I can putter along as I am now, I’m good. I don’t really need big piles of money and acres of stuff. I wouldn’t mind them, but they aren’t a necessity.
As for status, the truth is, by nature I’m a quiet and private person. I tend to anxiety and depression. A high-profile, high-pressure, high-stress, high-status job would probably not suit me. Plus, there is the boredom thing. I get bored at jobs. I learn them, I perfect them, and then I prefer to be done. Move on to something new. Writing is the only consistent because it can always be different.
The truth is, I feel apologetic for my goals. I’m embarrassed by not being acquisitive, not being driven or ambitious. I’m embarrassed that I’m content to stay quiet and small. I’m content with enough. And all these uncomfortable feelings that I don’t share turn into shame. Shame at who I am and what I believe. Shame that I am different.
If I met me, I like to think I’d like me. I hope I’d think I was kind, and honest, and polite. I might think I was smart and a good parent. I’d think I was creative, probably. I might think I was a good person overall. I wouldn’t think I was a failure because a disability made it difficult for me to hold down an outside job. I wouldn’t think I was a failure because I don’t have a lot of money or an impressive title. I don’t think that of other people when I meet them, after all.
Which bring me to the crux of the problem. Things other people say, fairly innocuous questions such as “what do you do” can only hurt us if they touch on a sore spot that’s already there. The question is not the problem. It’s the answer and how I judge it.
What does a successful life look like to me? What would I have to do differently, if anything, to qualify my life as a success? What do I want to achieve?
Do people’s questions sometimes hit the sore spots, and what do you do about it?
From Famine to Feast. 
I hate the what do you do question. Sure, I can give the short and snappy answer that I’m a nurse, but if there’s any further digging, I figure it’s pretty safe to assume that people are going to judge me for only working a couple of shifts a month. I’m okay with not working much, and mostly I don’t care what other people think, but for a long time my career was something I was quite proud of, and I think that’s where I find the most dissonance.
LikeLiked by 1 person
That’s a good point. The dissonance between what I used to do – work – and what I do now does bother me. Thanks for the comment. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Let that sore place scab over! You sound like you have it down. You know yourself well and the qualities you believe are important. They sound to me to be the things that if you’re successful in them, you will have no regrets at the end of your life.
I’ve been out of work for 9 months now. My answer is “I’m unemployed.” It makes other people uncomfortable sometimes, but not me. Usually I have to explain that it’s been a great time for me and I’m looking forward to finding something that uses my gifts, with a great company culture (which I did not have in my last job.)
But no matter what happens ahead, I will have a great life. That’s my goal. I can get there through times like this. The day I found out I was losing my job that I could handle whatever happened (no money, no stuff, having to move, etc.) I’m happy, even now. Granted I have some luxuries. I was in decent financial shape, and am only responsible for me. But even if my circumstances were different, my mindset would be the same. Other people are more nervous about my future than I am, which amuses me. I’m going to be fine.
And you are fine the way you are. And yes….proudly say “I’m a writer.”
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you. What a great response, both to me and to other people. A great life is a great goal.
LikeLiked by 1 person
This was a really interesting post. Im also on disability benifits and it seems society judges you a lot for it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you. This is part of my struggle as well. I feel so apologetic when I explain I’m on benefits to people. It makes me feel like I really have to work harder to prove I’m still a valid human being.
LikeLike
This is a tender spot for me as well. It’s my issue with never feeling good enough. And though I manage the house and homeschool our daughter full time in addition to my writing pursuits I feel somewhat inadequate when people ask me what I do. As if all my value is in some paycheck. I am not particularly materialistic and never have been but we are so stigmatized with the identity of who we are is what we have acquired on the outside. I am really trying to quiet that inner demon because it’s bull shit and my true self doesn’t buy into that bull shit. My life’s mission and passion is showing love, kindness and compassion and hopefully instilling that in my daughter. So we march onward friend…..
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for commenting. It’s awkward how we’ve tied our income to our value as people. What you do isn’t seen as important if it doesn’t lead to a couple of vacations a year, a big house, and a surfeit of stuff. I think what you do is immensely important and the values you are demonstrating for your daughter are priceless. I like that you have a statement like that, a mission statement that clarifies what you want to accomplish.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you!
LikeLiked by 1 person
You’re an editor? Can you tell me more about that?
Like you, I “evaluate myself with a much harsher and more exacting set of criteria than I set for others”, but I don’t necessarily see it as anything bad. I just always strive to do more and be better (whatever it means).
The reason why the “what do you do?” question upsets me is that I do think that I’m not fully tapped into my full potential at work. However, an even bigger reason is that people do judge. I usually don’t ask what people “do”, because I know it can be a sore subject. However, when I do, it’s not to judge, but to find a potential topic to talk about.
Your posts are fantastic. There’s always something I can relate to. You provoke a lot of self-reflection. Thank you.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you so much for the compliment. I don’t mind high standards for myself, the problem is I’m never content. I never think that what I have done is “enough”.
I started doing some editing this year. I took several writing courses this past couple of years and the professor seemed to like my writing, so, as he’s an author, he hired me to do some work. The first was a book of poetry. Then I edited a novel and a travel book. It’s an interesting process; tricky learning a new voice, which you have to pay attention to in the process.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Interesting! I will definitely have to keep you in mind for when my book goes through my personal edits.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Who is it that would define your life as a success?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh, those mythical “others” that exist in the out there. They aren’t real, of course, yet the have enormous influence unless I overtly question my thought processes. The thinking goes, if “they” all think I’m okay. But it doesn’t stand up when you push back. It is still, unfortunately, the default style of thought.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Me too Em, even at 60 I have the insecurity of a child sometimes. Its good that you recognize that its just thinking.
LikeLiked by 1 person