I have resentments. Some are old ones I take out and air periodically to keep the wound fresh, and some are new, a result of day-to-day living. I don’t like having them. Resenting things makes me feel small, petty, and with the old ones, vindictive – when I revisit those ills of old, I still feel a low-grade urge for justice aka revenge.

I don’t like having bad feelings. I want to feel only the good things. Avoidance of uncomfortable emotions has been a problem for me. The emergence of resentment is inevitable: among other things, people are petty. How we deal with them is where the work needs to happen.

Resentments often relate to things outside of our control.

We control little

The happiest people with the least resentment are the ones who accept that truth. They know they control very little; they what they do and think, and that’s pretty much it.

If the proposition about control is true, and it seems logical to me, then my resentments are pointless, because they’re based on things other people did or did to me, which was never in my power to change or prevent. They’re also hazy with the mist of time.

Resenting choices made in the past is pointless. I might wish I had chosen to do things differently, but undoing what’s done is not in my control.

You’re not the boss of me

I resent the fact that people feel the need to tell me what I should do. This mostly relates to family members. They very rarely listen to what I have to say; they mostly wait until I’m done talking to tell me what I mean. Part of it’s sexism, and part of it relates to having mental illness, though that rein came later.

When I was eighteen, I wanted to leave home and go to acting school. I’d graduated, and I thought movie star was the career for me. The school I chose was far from home, in a different country, and pricey. The money was there, however, at least for the first year, in student bonds that had been bought for me when I was a child.

I was immediately shot down. Go to university here instead, they said. Get a skill. Then, if you still want to, go for that dream.

In retrospect, acting school was a horrible idea. I was already sick with my eating disorder, though hiding it well. My desire was less about being an actress and more about running away to a new life where I’d finally get the validation I needed. Where I’d feel like not-me and would, therefore, be accepted, popular, and above all, thin and beautiful. The reality of pursuing an acting career had nothing to do with my choice. Validation did.

Our choices, our consequences

If geography could fix those problems, going away to university would have had the same effect. Instead, I decompensated rapidly.

Although their decision to keep me close to home was right, I resented it for years. I’d indulge in ridiculous and far-fetched fantasies about what might have been had they not been reasonable parents, and that carried on for decades. But focusing on old wounds and things you can’t control is a great way of avoiding the now.

I’ve come to resent my tendency to avoid reality

At times, I resent insight.

Because, of course, I was in control. I could’ve stood up. I could’ve said ‘no.’

I resent myself for the times I failed to do that too. We do like to blame ourselves for everything. What’s up with that?

It’s not fair, and that doesn’t matter

Resentment happens when you believe something is unfair. You’re correct or you’re not in your assessment of fairness, but the judgment is actually irrelevant. How other people treat you is beyond your control. How people choose to treat you is up to them.

The response, however, is up to you.

When it comes to going to acting school, I could’ve fought. I could’ve presented plans and a well-reasoned argument if I was truly dedicated to the idea of becoming a great actress. No response is also a response.

If I want to claim ownership over my life, then I’m responsible for my choices and what came from them. Sometimes conditions put us into situations in which there are no good choices, and that sucks, but even then, we’re in control.

If I’m in control, then resentment is illogical and a waste of energy. The aspects of my life that annoy me are in my power to change. If I don’t do so, then the resulting situation is also my choice.

I may not like the situation but resentment adds insult to injury. Resentment causes me harm. It’s the emotional equivalent to an own goal.

But if we’re in control of our thoughts and actions, then we can control our resentment. We can choose to embrace and wallow to our detriment, or we can let it go. Letting things go isn’t easy; it’s not a “one and done” kind of thing. The issues we are holding onto will pop back up over and over before we finally set them free. Repetition; however, makes things easier. The first resentment is the hardest: each one after that one really is easier.

Practice makes perfect. And I do enjoy the lightness that comes with letting go.

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