i am more than just my body

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i am more than just my body. this is my affirmation for today.

 

similar affirmations have included: there is more to me than being thin; i am more than my appearance; i am allowed to take up space; and, i have value that cannot be measured with a scale.

 

affirmations are easy to say, hard to write, harder to believe, and difficult to live. it’s challenging to buy in when you have decades of practice accepting the opposite.

 

i am more than just my body. why then is it so easy to give into the internal critic’s commentary? i’m a kind person. i’m accepting. i’m a good friend and a good mother. i’m reasonably intelligent. i can play the piano. i’m well-read. it’s unfortunate that these truths are regularly rendered irrelevant if my pants feel too tight, or the reflection in the mirror doesn’t display obvious bones.

 

well-meaning friends and family offer me encouragements. affirmations to go. they try to prop me up by listing my accomplishments and throwing compliments my way. it doesn’t help all that much, long-term. the compliments are flattering but my appreciative-yet-conflicted emotional response has trouble holding firm. it’s hard to believe the good things.

 

they don’t feel like mine, the compliments. they don’t feel like they’re about me. they aren’t built into my bones. they haven’t become part of my guts. they’re external and can be washed away by my belief that nothing i do has value or importance if my body is imperfect. perfect being skeletal to a level i have yet to achieve since no matter how small i get, the eating disorder’s response is “not thin enough”.

 

i am more than just my body. i am more than just my bones. i am more than a meat suit haphazardly stumbling through life. i have value, and i will repeat my affirmations ad nauseum until the reflection in the mirror doesn’t inspire me to check my body measurements. until i believe the affirmations i struggle to say. until i am no longer utterly consumed with self-criticism. until i really am more than just my body.

 

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february 2, 2018

photo credit: post it therapy

 

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