I write about my neuroses for several reasons. The first is, write what you know. I’ve spent a lot of time with myself. We’re intimately acquainted. I also write to understand. The more you think about something, the more you come to know it. The more you know, the better you are equipped to fight. This is important when you start falling. Or not falling. … Continue reading It’s like being dragged.
It’s been an interesting few months. That’s actually an ancient Chinese curse – may you live in interesting times. Regardless of whether I’ve been cursed or not – and I suspect not despite my tendency towards self-pity – this last little bit has been tension-filled and fraught.
I had an unfortunate result with a mammogram several months back. A “suspicious lesion” showed up and the tests and procedures that followed started a train in motion that’s proving difficult to get off…
Continue reading So anyhow, radiation.
…It is shocking to me how much time not participating in my eating disorder takes up. How much specific and cognitive work goes into the process. I spend a lot of time having conversations with myself… Continue reading Hoarding food in a secret drawer.
Sometimes, I think if I take off the reins, the urge to eat will take over my world.
I know where it comes from and what drives it, this feeling that I can’t ever consume enough. This feeling that if I start, I’ll never stop.
It’s from the eating disorder, from a lifetime of restriction and deprivation. You can’t undo what’s been done. I can’t go back in time and eat the food now I didn’t eat then. But I worry that without the restrictions I still have in place, I’ll try…
Continue reading You have to eat, even when you’re afraid.
