If I use the phrase, “my first book,” it might perhaps push me to work on the autobiography that sits unopened and glaring at me from the corner of my desktop. It’s been some time since I dusted it off, and while I think I probably should, that’s not going to happen today. I’m avoidant. I’m reeling a bit from an interaction with my daughter, … Continue reading My first book, revisted.
The longer you’ve had your eating disorder, the harder it is to change the way you think. This is not to say you can’t recover. It just means the hard business of changing what you do is only the beginning. Fixing broken thinking patterns is where the real work lies. If you can’t do that, you’ll fall back into old behaviours. It’s inevitable. You don’t … Continue reading The rise of the eating disorder brain, part 7,294.
…It is shocking to me how much time not participating in my eating disorder takes up. How much specific and cognitive work goes into the process. I spend a lot of time having conversations with myself… Continue reading Hoarding food in a secret drawer.
Sometimes, I think if I take off the reins, the urge to eat will take over my world.
I know where it comes from and what drives it, this feeling that I can’t ever consume enough. This feeling that if I start, I’ll never stop.
It’s from the eating disorder, from a lifetime of restriction and deprivation. You can’t undo what’s been done. I can’t go back in time and eat the food now I didn’t eat then. But I worry that without the restrictions I still have in place, I’ll try…
Continue reading You have to eat, even when you’re afraid.
From Famine to Feast 