To cook, or to not cook, that’s the question.

Once upon a time, I liked cooking. Before the eating disorder tentacled it’s way into everything, I quite enjoyed it. I liked trying new things. I liked feeding other people. It’s harder with an eating disorder, if only because people ask why you aren’t eating, or why your food is different.

So, I started cooking less. When I had to cook, I stuck to the basics, a few simple casseroles, and your basic meat, carb, fruit and veg plate for the meals I prepped and ate with my son. I was determined to give him good food, good eating, and a good attitude about self-worth.

But giving up on more exotic fare for myself doesn’t mean I stopped consuming knowledge. I didn’t have The Cooking Channel – when I was growing up, food networks weren’t even a glimmer in a greedy, television executive’s eye – but there were other options. I watched the cooking shows on network or PBS featuring Julia Child, James Barber, and Graham Kerr instead. There were also plentiful cookbooks to be found, and quite a few glossy and gorgeous magazines devoted to all things culinary.

Bon Appétit was a particular favourite of mine – the photography was stunning, and the production quality was high. Even the paper was glorious. You can find them on the web these days, though unlike many publications – I’m looking at you, Glamour and In Style – you can still get physical copies if you want them: it currently publishes six times a year. I had a subscription once, but it’s costly.

The big problem with cooking in the real world is the shortage of exotic ingredients always available in one’s personal pantry. I also wouldn’t mind a sous chef. It would be fun to walk into a kitchen with much of the mise en place done already. And if they could hang around for clean up, so much the better.

To cook, or to bake, that is the question.

I prefer cooking to baking most of the time. Cooking allows you to be more flexible, more creative, even haphazard in your approach when it comes to measuring and adding ingredients. That lack of precision is what allows for new and exciting versions of old favourites to appear. It’s where the creativity lives.

What if I add a few shakes of Coleman’s mustard powder to the quiche base?

Now try that with baking. Throw away your measuring spoons, and instead, add a dash of salt, a shake of baking powder, and toss of baking soda, and wait for the disaster to unfold. Cooking is creativity, and you find that in baking too, but first and foremost, it’s a science. If you’re not careful, things go awry. And they’ve gone awry for me quite often. Easier to toss caution to the wind with a stew.

Patience is another important part of baking, and patience is not a quality I possess in abundance. I’d try to develop it, but that would require patience. I do love a circle.

That’s not to say I don’t yearn to bake more – though perhaps not in the dead of summer. I buy my chocolate chip cookies this time of year.

I’ve done plenty of research; I watch the baking shows. And there are so many to choose from. They’re available in every language, on nearly every streaming service. My point of entry was the competition show, but I enjoy the demonstration ones as well, the “let’s cook together” model. Yes, I would like to make mince tarts with you, Mary Berry.

I’m already kitted out. I have, well, I’m pretty sure I have all the pans. Bundt? Angel Food? Cheesecake (springform)? I have the cutest set of three, four inch pans for a small layer cake. They’re also spring form.

Did you want make muffins or cupcakes? What size? I have options. I also have two rather excellent cookie sheets that no one is allowed to use for anything else. I have regular-sized cake pans as well, both round and square. I even have a nine by eleven sheet cake pan. I’ve never used it, but you never know.

I’ve only used the pie plates a few times, but they’re such pretty glassware that I don’t mind the theoretical cobwebs.

I have utensils, mixers both stand and hand, cooling racks, and decorating tools a plenty. I also have cookie cutters – I watched a season of Cookie Wars once. I like to be prepared for the “just in case.”

And then there was bread.

I had a bread machine, once upon a time. I loved it. I used it nearly every day for a year. But then, two things happened. It started to make a clunky noise, which was annoying, so I used it less frequently, and at some point, I put it away to make room on the counter for something else. And the truth about unitaskers is once they’re out of sight, they’re out of mind.

I donated it to the thrift store quite recently.

But I miss fresh morning bread – the machine had a timer. And bread’s not that hard to make. I made buns all the time when my son was going to school. Add a bit of honey, and change how you shape it, and you can make pita as well.

I while I didn’t list them in the summary of baking assets mentioned above, but I have a supply of bread pans as well (and a pan that looks like a bread pan, but is actually a meatloaf pan with a drain, two layers so the loaf doesn’t sit in the fat. But I digress). Just the basics though more exotic are available and sometimes necessary, if you’re cooking up a sourdough, for instance.

I thought about getting a sourdough starter, but maintaining it’s a lot of work. And who would I get to babysit? Besides, then I would need definitely the Dutch oven, and they’re expensive.

Pans notwithstanding, I thought I might try my hand at some freeform loaves. French bread is easy, and I’ve a thought to try some non-standard breads as well, a nice rye, perhaps, or maybe a flavoured bread put together with in a plait.

What’s your favourite bread?

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