I’m immortal, in an ‘I published a book’ kind of way.

I published a book. I’m immortal, like Ozymandias. [i] I’ll exist after the last tree has fallen and the last river has turned to dust.

Or not. I have seller’s remorse. The temptation to undo what’s been done is enormous: that this mirrors bulimia, the theme of the book, is one of those strange coincidences life throws at you. A reminder that what’s done can’t be undone.

It’s not that I’m not excited. I’m thrilled there’s a book with my name on it. I’m also amazed I got it done. Editing and formatting were more work than I anticipated. But I made it, and under my self-imposed deadline, mostly by letting go of my need for perfect. Unfortunately, since publishing, the “not worthy” gremlins have been busy.

My inside voice is convinced it isn’t a “real” book. It’s a compilation and doesn’t count. I’m not a “real” author.

The “not a real book” evaluation excludes the other compilation and anthology books in existence, of course. Only mine is defined as not a book-proper. The gremlins ignore that I wrote the essays contained therein.

It also doesn’t count because it wasn’t my idea. I have an unfinished novel and autobiography I can claim once they’re done (my inside voice thinks that unlikely): those ideas were mine. This one, however, should be credited elsewhere. [ii]

Finally, I self-published. If my book was “real,” agents and publishing houses would be blasting “In Your Eyes” from my driveway while their henchmen delivered million dollar contracts in a desperate, to-the-death competition for my work. [iii]

I considered sending queries out to agents and the like, but rejection wasn’t something I wanted to risk. The query process is also stressfully complex: learning to levitate would be easier.  Self-publishing was a comparative breeze. And God knows I love step-by-step checklists.

And so we have available “From Famine to Feast: my thoughts about my eating disorder,” a collection of the twelve most popular essays from the blog. I added an introduction, some back matter, and a rather adorable picture of me as a child to make it feel fresh. I also got to edit my previous works and criticize with enthusiasm.

The “not a book” is available both on Kindle and as a paperback: it will be available on other eBook platforms at a later date.

If you read it, I’d greatly appreciate an Amazon review.

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[i] “Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair.” From Ozymandias by Percy Bysshe Shelley (poem, 1818). It’s a favourite piece of mine. I wrote an atrocious essay about it in grade twelve.

[ii] It was my psychiatrist’s idea. It felt like a find-value-in-living project. I can get depressed and dramatic sometimes, and not in a good, Auntie Mame way. I think this was a way to channel the negative energy.

[iii] I have a robust fantasy life. I’ve never watched “Say Anything.” (film, 1989) I feel like a generational-traitor. I am, however, familiar with the boom-box-in-,the-driveway scene

38 thoughts on “I’m immortal, in an ‘I published a book’ kind of way.

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  1. CongratZ on getting it done. It’s no small victory.
    However, I totally get the “it’s not traditionally published, therefore it doesn’t count” thinking. That’s a big part of why I haven’t done it… It’s like I know I won’t feel proud/ accomplished. At least you did it!

    Liked by 1 person

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    Liked by 1 person

  3. Imposter Syndrome is real, and a really hard thing to shake off. I’ve fought long and hard with this, and you’ve kicked it’s cloudy vague butt by publishing this yourself. Way to go! Self-publishing is the norm these days, so don’t even consider that as a problem. You are doing great, keep going! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

      1. It is ok to believe in yourself and take pride in what you’ve achieved (big or small, who is keeping score anyway?). You did it, and when the gremlins start getting loud, talk right back to them! The little voice of our insecurities may always remain with us, but YOU are bigger than your insecurities 💪 good luck to you!!

        Liked by 1 person

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