I’ve been thinking it might be time to send myself off to the repair shop. It’s spring, after all, time for renewing oneself body, mind, and spirit, current global challenges notwithstanding.

I’ve been having a few issues. Things aren’t running as smoothly as I’d like. The engine occasionally overheats and there are other problems to be dealt with. I’d get to it myself but I’ve lost the factory manual. Besides, I’m more delegator than actor; I like leaving things to the experts or at least to other people.

If I time it right, there could even be double Air Miles.

There are a few things I need to be looked at:

• There’s a leak somewhere. Money goes in but doesn’t stay where it’s put; it flows right back out with little to show for it, though I do think the mirrored wall stickers that showed up in place of the money are the bomb;
• The body has some dings that need to be taken care of. When I got it, it was in pretty good shape. I know you’re supposed to spend some time on maintenance but I’ve let that slide over the years and you can tell; the seats sag, paint is chipping, and there’s rust;
• She seems to be too sensitive of late; I barely touch a pedal, barely hint at changing direction and suddenly she seems to be coming apart at the seams;
• She can’t go as fast as she used to and she isn’t dealing with stress very well. Maybe a fuel additive would do the trick?

Unfortunately, I can’t seem to find someone to take on the job. Everyone’s busy with their repairs, I guess.

It’s not that I can’t do the necessary work. I don’t have to delegate. I don’t need a repair shop or a fairy godmother. I just want them. It would be nice. There’s a lot of work to be done and I never seem to have the time.

It could be I’m lazy. It could be I lack a game plan. It could depression or anxiety or fatigue. It could be a combination of all of the above.

It could be something else entirely.

We don’t always think true thoughts. We’re not always honest with ourselves. You’d think we would be, that if nothing else, we’d admit the truth to ourselves but we don’t. Sometimes we don’t even know that what we think isn’t the truth. Until we think about it some more.

Perhaps I only think I need repair work.  

The things I think I want generate thoughts that race around my head. We all have thoughts that push at us, ideas that clamour for attention, wishes and hopes we think we want to come true. But those racing thoughts cause anxiety and that makes me think I need to push harder to get those things that need to be done, done.

Because the repair jobs outlined in the open are true enough. There are a few things that could stand to be taken care of. I’m imperfect and aging. I don’t spend nearly enough time on maintenance and upkeep and I spend far too much time and money online shopping. Because if I spent enough time on myself, wouldn’t I be closer to perfect? I should get the list taken care of and be perfect then.

And perfect is what I want. In addition to all those other things.  

Maybe.

Do I really want the things I think I want? If the things I think I want are really that important, why haven’t I worked harder to make them my reality?

Maybe I don’t really care about those things at all. Maybe I only think I should.

Maybe the thoughts are simply hangers-on, echoes of thoughts that used to be imperatives; death gasps made by thinking patterns that are desperately trying not to fade away into the ether.

For instance, I wanted inner peace and equanimity. I wanted less depression and anxiety. Because I want them, because I consider them important, I work to make them happen. I spend time on the endeavour. I read books that might help. I moderate behaviours. Change happens. Things get better or at least more manageable.

It’s not perfect. I still struggle. But there are things I’m starting to do well, things I’m proud of. I’m getting stuff done.

Innate laziness is not then the problem. What’s left is a lack of motivation.

We don’t always want what we think we want.

I thought I wanted those things. To be thin, perfect, rich, and beautiful. To have an Instagram-worthy, Kardashian kind of life. To be perfect. My actions show that my wishes are a lie.

We are less what we say and more what we do.

Pay attention to the things you think you want. Pay attention to what you do and don’t do. Pay attention to what you resist.

Resistance usually has something important to say. We just need to take a moment and pay attention.  

Do you want what you want?