I do the right things most of the time. I think the right thoughts – okay, I still have to do cognitive and dialectic work to counter the neurotic inside voices, but I’m trying. I make the right choices. I’m basically a good person and I’m trying to be a better one.
I want a reward for my efforts, despite life not promising that.
I really do try to feel selfless about the whole thing because recovery and philosophical pursuits have been nothing but helpful and advantageous but sometimes it’s hard not to want. Sometimes it’s hard not to think you deserve something simply because your history has crummy bits and life can be hard. Doesn’t the universe owe you? (I also use this logic to justify unnecessary purchases – I deserve a boxed set of hand cream.)
Yes, I know, virtue is its own reward. Living well is an end in itself. At least a lot of people say that. It’s true, too; I believe it most of the time. Living the good life is all you need, and so on and so on.
But sometimes the idea that virtue is its own reward irritates. Sometimes, trying to get better is fatiguing. And sometimes, I want or feel entitled to more.
I swear I have a split brain. There is the evolved, enlightened, remaining unattached to outcomes, live in the moment, seize the day me, and the other, unrealistic, impulsive, labile, maturity of a teenager and self-control of a toddler, struggling with mental illnesses me. I try hard to keep the latter under control but I hear from her fairly often.
(Side note: I wonder if there are people out there who feel wholly cohesive, who aren’t made up of a whole bunch of other people? I would find it helpful to be able to slip into other people’s brains and get a sense for how they work. It would be nice to receive some validation, a sense that in this regard, we are all the same.)
It’s the other me is that tells me I deserve a reward. She wants praise, props, and tangible confirmation from the universe that I’m on the right path. She needs and feels entitled to external validation.
I’m satisfied with the choices I’m making a lot of the time but that little voice is still there in the background, whining. Telling me that I deserve more. Telling me my reward should be concrete, something more than internal peace and life satisfaction.
Because aren’t we entitled to something for all our hard work?
Shouldn’t life come with a prize?
Not really. Life’s not a game so there’s nothing “out there” to win. It’s also not a punishment, nor is it a test. It simply is. The thing is sufficient unto itself.
The voice that pushes for external validation and proof of good work, the one that feels a reward is owed for living a good life is an immature voice. Demanding concrete proof that doing the right things and making the right choices is the correct course of action demonstrates a continued missing of the point about the things it takes to make and have a good life.
It’s just that sometimes, a shiny blue ribbon or a fifty-five-inch smart television dropped off on my doorstep would be nice.
From Famine to Feast. 
I am also that type of a split personality.
I want to be good for the sake of being good, but sometimes I think I am owed for that. The reason why I think that is is because it seems like others are not as good as us and yet their lives are “better” (whatever that means at the time). I know, I shouldn’t compare. I preach that myself. And for the most part, I do not. But we are all human. We falter. We question. What’s in it for us. Why be good if it makes no difference to us?
But the thing is that there IS a reward. We just don’t always notice it. We think of tangible things right there and then. We overlook all the good things in our life. We take them for granted. There is a reward. It might not be what we want, but it is what we need.
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I like the bit about other lives being “better”. It’s true. It’s hard not to resent at times. But I like your last phrasing. What we get is what we need.
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For many years I’ve struggled with my desire that life ought to fair even though, for years, I’ve known it isn’t. As you say, life just is. And yet, many of my chronic conditions are a result (fair reward?) of a lifelong eating disorder, so who’s to say.
Having had many years of thinking about this, I have an idea of what, in fact, is the real reward.
We are meant to live in communities and what does a community ideally do for you? It validates your life, your contribution, and who you are as a person. We’ve mostly lost that community lifestyle. I see it coming back which gives me much hope for the future of our world and generations to come.
I spent my who life seeking “something”, something I didn’t know. I now know it was simply a desire to feel like I belong.
Unlike most people, I feel like the advent of technology is what will ultimately result in a return to community, connectedness and, what we all desire, a sense of belonging.
You know what a reward is for me now? When I pour out my thoughts and feelings in a post and someone comes along, a complete stranger, who says, “yeah, I get it.”
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I agree that seeing a post from someone who gets it, or hearing from someone who gets you is wonderful. Some of our things, like an eating disorder, make us feel so separate and different. So, it’s nice to find your tribe.
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Interestingly, I read a book about this woman who found the greatest support from people online. She was personally against group therapy since seeing and comparing is so problematic for us. I completely agree based on personal experience. I never gained anything because the only thing I was focused on was if I was a success (thinner) or a failure (larger, regardless of my own stats). Geez, I even compare myself to the person in the waiting room when I come out of therapy. 🙄
I love reading blogs such as yours, and others. For me, it’s a way to start a conversation that I can’t have with people in person. And if not a conversation, a wee bit of validation that how I think is not so unique, meaning I’m not alone.
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