I had a shower today and it felt pretty good. I’d forgotten I like them; it’s been six days since I showered, a fact I attribute to my obvious laziness.

I’m incredibly lazy at times, especially of late.

Not showering. Not brushing my teeth. Not even cooking – sandwich or cereal make up most of my meal choices, not counting the binges of the last two nights. I chalk those up to laziness too – too lazy to fight my eating disorder.

It’s been a stressful week during a stressful time of year, but I’m not letting that factor into my current reality.

I’m lazy and that’s that.

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Except, as I was on my way to pick up a friend for coffee this morning – I’m making an effort to reconnect; I’ve been lazy about that too – a thought popped into my head (sometimes I wonder where random thoughts come from. Who generates them? It’s a puzzle).

At any rate, a thought occurred – how much of my current inertia is laziness and how much is depression?

Because depression makes people feel this way. It makes me feel this way. So why have I been spending so much time chastising myself for my lack of action? I know my mood has tanked. I know I’m struggling. Why am I refusing to give myself a break on the behavioural changes that come when the mood shifts?

Why do I lack grace?

I didn’t always use this particular stick. It’s new: maybe that’s why I didn’t notice I was attacking myself.

I’m not a lazy person.

Historically, I get shit done.

I’m the person who does what’s needed, who can always be counted on, and who can handle one more job, one more thing, one more wafer-thin mint. Or, rather, I used to be.

I’ve lost it. I lost it when I had my little breakdown in 2014. That’s a long time to be struggling. It feels like forever. You forget that there was a time when things were different. You forget that you used to handle stress. You forget that you used to shower, and do your hair, and get dressed every day. Self-criticism forgets to give credit where it’s due; it becomes global.

You’re lazy, and you’ve always been lazy.

Untrue.

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I’m not taking very good care of myself right now. The depression and various personal problems leave me feeling overwhelmed. But I’m not lazy and I have to remember to counter that particular train of thought.

Depression makes the daily and mundane seriously hard. Everything is a mountain. Even starting is a challenge. Taking small steps feels monumental.

People mock the participation ribbon. Everyone gets them and so they’re seen as a celebration of mediocrity. But sometimes it’s important to get credit for playing the game.

I’m not lazy, I’m depressed, and I’m going to cut myself a break.

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