Feelings come first.

I have trouble with my thoughts. I don’t like a lot of them. They’re harsh, critical, and disturbing. They make me feel bad; they make me afraid. Except they don’t. I’ve realized that I have it backwards. It’s the feelings that come first. Feelings rise up and inspire the thoughts which then the amplify the problematic feelings, creating more problematic thoughts, and so on. It’s a vicious cycle...

hanging at the mall

I went to the mall today. It was a “need to” trip; most definitely not a “want to.” I almost never want to go to the mall. This is because, for me, malls are a kind of hell. They’re full of people, for one, and I find people, as a group, stressful. Their existence is problematic enough; add the whole “I think they’re staring at me, and judging me, and finding me insufficient” thing and who needs that...

dealing with failure

"I’m currently dealing with failure. It’s a failure that’s totally out of my control. Unfortunately, there are mitigating circumstances that were in my control, and I’m having a hard time not blaming myself for them. Blaming ourselves for our historical actions is problematic and pointless. We can’t change what’s already done. That doesn’t, however, erase the struggle..."

getting your photo taken

"...The screen saver on my computer is set to the photograph file. When the computer is at rest, it plays a montage of all the pictures I’ve taken and uploaded, ever. What a wonderful thing that is. I get to see pictures of my children when they were young, of my parents when they were young too. I revisit vacations and school concerts and birthday parties. I see funny moments, and serious ones, and tender ones too. Sometimes, I just sit at the desk and watch my life roll by. I’m not in it very much..."

200 posts – thank you.

"I had a look at the stats page on my blog the other morning; something I almost never do. I try not to be invested in results. I write because I feel compelled to, because it helps me, because it might help someone else, and because it lets me connect with interesting people. I don’t want to grow angst-ridden about market share. The timing of the peek was serendipitous. The post counter has me at one-hundred and ninety-nine posts, making this number two-hundred. I feel compelled to created something spectacular, yet, remain stymied over what to say. I wasn’t going to write today..."

revenge fantasies

"My brain likes to go walkabout occasionally, without even a “by your leave”. I’ll be sitting or walking, even driving when suddenly, I’m back in the past, revisiting an event I didn’t enjoy the first time around. I hate flashbacks. I hate the emotions that come with them. I felt horrid during the initial encounter, whatever it was, and I don’t enjoy reliving everything from assaults, to bad days at work, to bullying. Any opportunity my brain has to make me relive misery, it takes. Occasionally, I’m in the author. I create memories of things that never happened, and wild imaginings of bad times yet to come. Visions of death, injury, violence and destruction abound. I feel ridiculous when I pull myself out of these daymares, as emotionally wrecked as if the event in question had occurred. Sometimes, however, I enjoy my brain’s creativity. I like it when I construct imaginary scenarios where I fight back, stand my ground, and put bullies and abusers in their place..."