I’m not a believer in all things metaphysical but I’m not a non-believer, either.
I used to have a more developed spiritual side. I used to see God in the details. I looked for fairies under the mushrooms. I gave reverence to the moon and to her cycles. I was pretty sure I could feel people’s auras when I dowsed with my crystal pendulums.
But I stopped. I pulled back from my spiritual side and immersed myself in science and logic… Continue reading Seeing signs.
I went sailing this weekend. I’m not fortunate enough to have my own boat; however, my parents are; I went with them. Just them and me; it was nice, albeit a little odd and stressful.
Nice because I don’t get to spend all that much time with them by myself, notwithstanding the fact that they live in the same town. I see my mom a couple of times a week – we work out together, and my dad at family get togethers – once a month usually – or if I have something that I need help fixing. But just sitting and chatting time, not so much.
Odd because I struggled to be present. It occurred to me while doing so that I’ve spent a great deal of my life doing the same thing. I’ve tried so hard to stay calm and controlled, to not let my eating disorder take over, and to do everything right, that I’ve missed a lot of moments. I’ve been there but not there. Present but absent.
I regret that…
Continue reading Don’t waste your life.
A friend posted a meme on Facebook that caught my eye. It stated, “You can never truly feel at home in a body you view as temporary.” She prefaced the post with the following question:
“What if the body you have today is the one you have to live with?”
Continue reading The body you have to live with.
An eating disorder is a destructive thing but also helpful in an odd, dysfunctional way. It acts as a kind of support structure. It’s scaffolding. It’s the glue that holds everything together when the emotions seem too difficult to manage. It locks up the pain, the misery, the anxiety, the inferiority complex, the self-hatred and all the neuroses and keeps them barricaded away so you don’t have to deal with bad feelings… Continue reading An eating disorder is a structure.
From Famine to Feast 