I’m having a bad day and it’s only seven thirty in the morning. Everyone gets bad days, I know, but it’s problematic when the bad days pile one on top of the other even when there’s nothing wrong. Especially when nothing’s wrong. You look at your life and point out all the positives and the only internal response is “so what, who cares, why bother?” Continue reading Depression has me in a “fuck it” state of mind.
I binged and purged last night. It was the fat thoughts. I’ve gained about ten pounds and the weight that is supposed to help me is killing me, or at least that’s what it feels like. Thinner, thinner, thinner is all I think about now. Diet hard, exercise. Forget quitting smoking, forget friends and family. Forget writing, forget recovery, forget life. Forget everything but getting thin, back to bones… Continue reading An Eating Disorder Journal entry.
I recently reread Cheryl Richardson’s “The Art of Extreme Selfcare”. I bought it a couple of years ago and read it cover to cover at the time. I took notes, highlighted important passages, and implemented nothing. Change, even positive change, is challenging and can be difficult to implement. We cling to our default settings with our dying grasp, even when they’re harmful. I’ve been dissatisfied … Continue reading Saying “I love you” to myself.
I hate it when I’m standing at the cash register, having finished the transaction and the cashier hands me the receipt. The process of folding up the paper and putting it in my wallet seems to take forever and my anxiety rises. I don’t want to try and jam it in my wallet as I walk away, juggling my purchases, but I imagine I can feel the impatience of the cashier and the people behind me in line as I take five seconds for myself. I feel so apologetic, like I’m committing a heinous act. How dare I take the time to finish my transaction when it so obviously and egregiously impacts others? How can I justify wasting their time?… Continue reading Take up space.
From Famine to Feast 