(mild trigger warning, mentions child abuse)

On Wednesday, we dance.

On Wednesdays, we, or rather I do a lot of things I don’t normally do. On Wednesdays, I’m free. I eat what I want, and I do what I want. I don’t turn into a somethingzilla, but I watch movies all day and eat popcorn for dinner.

With butter. Which is always how I eat it, but the guilt is less on Wednesdays.

How weird is it that butter gives us guilt?

(My zilla self exists on Twitter. I often wonder how much of her is the authentic me. I’m all about politics there, and I have loud opinions. That’s the inside me for sure.)

I’m not alone in this lifestyle – I got the idea from reading about this model or that celebrity’s 80-20 eating plan online. That’s the one where you follow healthy (restricted) eating eighty percent of the time, and then swing to overkill when the reins come off.

Definitely not pathological at all.

I’m pretty sure it’s bad for the body as well.

Did you know that women qualify their opinions more than men do? I’m trying to break the habit, but it’s hard. It’s like offering unwarranted apologies. Both harm the psyche.

Not unlike living the 80-20 life. Why can’t we just be normal?

That is, of course, a question for the ages and the answer is, no one has any idea what that means.

Perhaps part of the problem is that we expect normal to have more commonality than it naturally does.

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On Wednesdays, I wear what I want. What I usually want to wear on Wednesdays is an old pair of camo track pants with paint on them. I love ‘em, but the paint stains mean they mostly stay home. Mostly, and I can never decide if wearing them means I don’t care what other people think, or if I don’t care enough about looking nice aka self-care.

Perhaps it’s a smidge of both.

I started wearing pink again right around the time Wednesdays became about freedom, though initially, it was “On Thursday, we dance.” But I had a rather uncomfortable binge some months back as I struggled with my eating disorder recovery, on was on a Wednesday. So, I turned Wednesday into the day of freedom to calm my brain, and it’s lived there ever since.

I wore more pink as a child. I liked it, I think. The favourite outfits from my memories had pink. Or peach. I wore light colours. I wore skirts. But older men happened as I entered double-digits. One of them touched in ways he shouldn’t have and that resonates still, and too many of them paid attention where they shouldn’t, and made comments that were inappropriate between adult and child.

There’s no world where it’s okay for grown men to comment on an adolescent’s emerging sexuality or body type. Those weren’t the only things that caused the eating disorder, but they had weight. So, if you hear men making those kinds of “jokes,” shut it down loudly and pointedly, even if you aren’t related.

We look away too much of the time. I promise you can’t be emphatic enough. After all, the harm to the child has been done.

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I know some people write to an outline. I can, but my preferred method is to take a vague idea and then let things flow from my fingers. I steer as we’re rushing down the river, but my destination is usually a mystery. This is the long way of saying that one, this piece went darker than I planned, and two, I regret nothing.

I recently watched “Shiny, Happy, People,” the Amazon documentary about IBLP, Duggars, and Evangelical fundamentalism. As a victim of child sexual abuse, it both triggered and terrified me. At least I was spared the cult membership. Two thumbs up. Required watching.

Where I originally thought this might would go would be to some of the songs I’m currently listening to on Spotify. This isn’t much of a segue, but it’s better than naught.  

Final thought – I have a “one, true way” when it comes to WordPress – I tend to think I have to post in the morning. I’m not sure why. Magic thoughts, I think. Anyhow, welcome to the rebellion – lunchtime writing. When you’re in a depressive episode, what’s important is getting it done.

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I’m an organized soul, and putting things into sub-units is my happy place. Of course, I do it on Spotify. The playlist that gets the most, well, play is my “current rotation” which is songs I currently feel like listening to. It’s a lot of current pop, but not exclusively that. These are some of the most recent additions.

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