Off the cuff.

Another night of weak sleep. It’s a combination of things: guilt at snapping at my parents, distress over my daughter’s problems, personal grief, pain and misery.

On the bright side, my hips are fine. As in, they’re still screwed but no worse than last year. Why then, the pain, the swelling, the vomiting? Referrals are pending.

Quite a few on my team – how odd to have a team – think menopause. The culprit is my hormones. I’m not a doctor so I get stuck on the logic problem when I try to make this answer fit. Menopause for me was in 2018. The side-effects just waited until now to jump up and say hello? This argument is popular because eating disorders and menstruation have a complicated connection. There’s only one problem.

I never lost my period. Even at grossly underweight. My genes want to spread, I guess. Like my menopause, my menstruation was basically problem-free. It’s a family thing.

It could be my meds. Maybe the Trintellix is becoming toxic? Perhaps that explains the falling blood numbers. The problem there is only one test. One test isn’t evidence: there’s no statistical validity.

But I was counting on the joint problem being the cause. The “not” resulted in serious distress for most of the day. I’ve had to fight the good fight to prove I was sick and not a hysterical woman before. I was sick and not a hysterical woman.

Maybe this time it’s conversion?

I don’t want to do it again. I’m tired. But my joints are on fire and I sweat through my nightclothes, sheets, and mattress, and my pain is seriously harsh. I’m tired. I want what I had when I was five.

I want someone else to be the grownup for a while.

It probably is menopause. Women get short sticks.


If you could go back in time in your own life, when would you pick?

By Em

I like writing. Words help me unpack my thoughts so things can start to make sense. Once I have both myself and the universe figured out, I plan to take up macrame. "Writing is an exploration. You start from nothing, and learn as you go." E. L. Doctorow

8 comments

  1. I’m sorry to hear that you are experiencing some health issues. It’s not easy in the first place, and then, when you add other people’s problems on top of that, you can easily drive yourself crazy. Is vomiting a normal menopause side-effect? Weird… I hope that whatever tests will be run that they help you find the answers.

    Being an adult is definitely not what we all thought it would be. Yes, you can have a lot of fun without people nagging, but you also have a lot of responsibilities. Problems become larger with age, it seems. Going back to when I was 5 would be cool. I had terrible leg pains when I was about 6, 7, or so, so that wouldn’t be fun. I thought that I’d like to go back to my teenage years, but I realized that there were already some issues then… 5 it is.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’ve been taking Trintellix for years. In larger doses it made me sick as a sick dog, at a smaller dose its effectiveness is questionable but I’m not going on the med roller coaster again. Hang in there Em, a zombie apocalypse can’t be far away.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. For me, the time that I would love to go back to is when I was in my late teens’ early twenties. I had all the time in the world for my friends and hanging out. Now that my husband and I are empty nesters maybe that time can come more often.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. There were some fun times then for sure. I thought, once my last was eighteen, I’d feel free but now I feel stressed watching the launchings 😂😂😂

      You want to keep them from the stumbles. But yes, more time for you is now a thing. 💞

      Like

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