i wish i could turn off my memories,
edit or revise them so they’d play out as i intended.
my thoughts, however, remain resolute and staunch in their determination
to replay the pain as it happened.
i wish i could ignore my failures,
and my recollections of pain and loss.
the moments when i laughed or smiled,
the time spent with friends,
my successes and triumphs
rarely return unbidden to lighten my thoughts.
i wish that the darkness that returns frequently, as it wills,
taunting me with how far my life has strayed from
the plans and wishes of the child,
would abate and drift away,
leaving me at last free of its ugly grip.