anger is a design flaw

“from a journal after a hard day: “my eating disorder makes me angry, mean, full of sharp edges, wholly self-centered, and judgmental as hell.”

i suppose this is true for almost everyone who struggles; i know it’s true for me. catch me around a binge; i’m not a pleasant person to encounter. i’m angry and short-tempered, and i lash out in an effort to mitigate my guilt and self-hatred. i want people to hurt when i hurt. i want someone to blame.” Continue reading anger is a design flaw

let the thoughts go

“it’s challenging when it feels like your brain is out of your control; when it persists in thinking thoughts you’d rather it didn’t…i have spent a significant quantity of time ranting and raving over my inability to shut down my brain and to deny these thoughts life. no matter the internal or external volume, repeatedly berating myself didn’t work. something new was needed…” Continue reading let the thoughts go

alphabetizing my anxiety

there are a lot of things on my need-to-do-right-now list all of a sudden and that generally means one thing. it does not mean that i’ve become a passionate adherent of the perfection and beauty that can be found with the skilful application of closet liners and space organizers. instead, it means that my anxiety is on the rise. Continue reading alphabetizing my anxiety

my eating disorder rules, of which there are many

the rules are inflexible and keep me focused on my eating disorder. they’re designed to keep you trapped. it’s really hard to have independent thoughts that do not, in some way, circle back around to my ED. that bitch follows me everywhere. she is determined and persistent. Continue reading my eating disorder rules, of which there are many