we want to be seen

"we all want to be seen. we all want to be validated. why is it so hard? sometimes the problem is us. in my life, often it’s me. i want to be known and heard, but it’s hard to share the truth of my reality. i dole out bits and pieces of myself, sharing a portion of this and a smidgen of that, but i’m never fully exposed. i keep many of the dark bits hidden inside. i remain convinced that the reality of me is unhandleable and unsupportable."

currently hating food

"i am having a problem with food and eating of late, in that i hate them both. this is a significant challenge when you consider that eating is one of the basic requirements for living."

just three pieces of toast

"somedays, i want to eat everything. it’s the only thing that will help, at least that’s what my eating disorder likes to tell me."

ostensible security blanket

"i’m not wearing my cheetah-print robe today and this is an unusual thing. i wear a robe or a jacket almost constantly; neither the weather nor the ambient temperature are part of the decision-making process. i don’t wear them to stay warm. i wear them as armour."

we all need a day of rest

we’re all busy. we’re too busy. we’re busy all the time; we scurry around with nary a pause for breath and we aren’t really accomplishing anything substantive. acquiring, however, we do very well.

there’s violence in them thar dissociations

TRIGGER WARNING. i was walking back to the car yesterday afternoon, enjoying the warm sunshine when i was grabbed roughly from behind. an arm wrapped around my torso, pinning me, and even as i struggled, a cloth was put over my mouth, quickly rendering me unconscious. i didn’t even have time to cry out before … Continue reading there’s violence in them thar dissociations

the loneliness of the connected age

the heat has been intense the last few days and as my fans struggle to keep up, i wondered about air conditioners and how they work. turns out, it’s the refrigerants in air conditioners that make them so helpful at reducing the temperature. the liquid refrigerants inside the units absorb the heat from the air. … Continue reading the loneliness of the connected age