"i realized something this weekend. my family is competitive and not in a good way. looking back, i should have seen the signs. my therapist told me she thought the conclusion was obvious yet until i had the thought this weekend, i couldn’t see the behaviour for what it was."
"...part of me is afraid to let go of external judgments. if i don’t have them, how can i be sure that i’m okay?..."
"i can’t think clearly over the pain.
it occurred to me that i’ve been in this situation before. metaphorically as well as actually. i often have trouble thinking over the pain. after all, isn’t that really what my mood-altering behaviours are designed to do? they help me escape from the pain that i can’t function my way through."
"i’ve let things and people who are not me define me. i’ve let it happen for a long time. i took other people’s expectations of me and made them my own. at least, i took on what i thought their expectations were. i didn’t practice listening to myself. i didn’t learn how to be who i am. i wasn’t even sure how to figure that out."